Mak

The Further We Drown I swear it's like setting a moth to a flame every time we're next to one another. We keep eyeing one another up and down in a room full of people watching us to see who's going to end up making the first move, only to realize none of us are ready to let it out. So we stand there face to face, trying to figure one out, only to come to the realization there's nothing to figure out but the feeling of deep guilt, only to have it seem so unrecognizable. We laugh it off and continue to drink our drinks, hoping it would all just fade away. I pass you on my way out, hoping you'd stop me, but with every step I take, it feels like I have weights weighing me down, preventing me from moving. I push through, hoping I'll make it out without causing a scene, but you stop me in my path, and I get anxious with every word you let out, hoping it's nothing bout the past between you and me. I drowned so deep in the thought of you that it felt like nothing co...

To Love ‘Em & Leave ‘Em Not trying to sound like I know you and everything you're about, but it kind of seems like you're only in it for the pleasure and nothing more. You keep talking to me as if I'm nothing more than just a distraction from something bigger, and with that being said, it hurts knowing my part will always be short-lived. You keep talking to me as if we've known each other for years when in reality it's only been a few weeks and with that being said I know you're just playing mind games and toying with my feelings until you feel better about yourself and then when you finally do you'll end up dropping me and going back to finding someone new or someone from before to help satisfy your needs. I've seen it all before, so I'm not that clueless as to what you're doing. I had you figured out within the first few hours of hanging out with you, and figuring all that out, I knew you and I would never see eye to eye on anything.  I kep...

Just Forget About It Honestly, I thought there was something more to you that I wanted to have, but turns out there's really nothing that I need from you. I guess the thought of you finally died down, and now I'm starting to regret my decision of reaching out and wondering what you've been up to. I should've known it would have been the same shit as before. I figured I'd give it a go and see where you'd end up taking it, and turns out my predictions were correct. Sucks that I have to step away from you now, even though the steps I took to get you weren't that far. Just a little bit of this and that, and you were already texting back like you owed me a favor. Kind of impressed by the fake attitude and persona that you chose to have when we both know that shit won't last. You only choose to do it so you can squeeze your way into my life, knowing you being in my life would only make you spiral out because behind closed doors, we both know you can't mani...

I Lied... Hoping It Wouldn't Matter! Kind of in a weird place right now, when all I think about is you, and the thought of us should’ve never come to be! It’s hard knowing I had you, then lost you with the blink of an eye, and didn’t even realize it! I wanted to love you like I never loved anyone before, and you to be my safe space, but I guess you had other motives when it came to me! I’m not mad, just confused why you chose to do it to me when you could have just left me alone! You led me on to think I had a chance with you, only to shut me out completely without telling me the reason!  I tried my best to now wonder about the reasons behind it, but for some reason I kept waiting for an explanation, only to get nothing in return! I thought you loved me, but you only loved the thought of me and nothing more! You only needed me to get over your ex, and I guess it’s fine, but why’d it have to be out of all people?! You seem to have all the support you could ever want and need, and ye...

Lost Without You You said we'd always have forever to get it right and that things would fall into place, but every time you're close, all I think about is the pain and tears I caused you. You seem to be just fine being next to me, but I'm never fine being next to you, and it kills me knowing part of me hates myself for hurting you. I thought you'd love me for me, but then you went and changed your motives towards me and caused me to spiral out of control making me lose sight of what you mean to me. I knew what I was doing wasn't right, but I couldn't stop myself because the damage was already done, so I just kept making it worse, hoping you'd leave me alone and find someone better than me. But my plan backfired all at once when you came knocking at my door, telling me how sorry you were for leaving me. It was so unexpected that I thought it might have been a dream, but the dream was nothing more than the truth.  It hurt like hell knowing that you chose to s...

When You're Next to Me Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you being next to me causes me to lose all knowledge of how to breathe and keep my cool. I'm either really nervous and don't know what to do when it comes to you, or I'm all in and know what I'm supposed to do every second when you're next to me. I can't decide if I'm going through the motions and feelings of thinking this could be something great, or if this is just going to break me before it even starts. I try my best to see the best in you, but my feelings get in the way, and then I see you for what you really are, and even that version still makes me crave your love, even though it can be toxic sometimes. I don't know, maybe the toxic love and the bad blood between you and me is what makes me happy. Because when it's just the two of us in a crowded room, there's so much tension to act like we don't know one another when we both know what we really want with one...

Sorry for Letting You Go Hey Lex, Sorry for leaving you out of the bleu with no explanation as to what was happening or what caused me to do it. In my head, I thought it would have been easier for you if you hadn't known about my whereabouts and my doings. It was the safest thing to do for your own well-being. I didn't want you to think it was your fault or that it had something to do with you. I was just too caught up in trying to figure out my life. I was torn between staying in town and keeping everything I've ever known, or moving somewhere where I'd have to make a name for myself and start all over again, and trying to make new friends/acquaintances. I felt like no matter how hard I tried to think of the new life I'd have if I moved to Florida, I kept thinking of all the people I'd miss, and you kept running in the back of my mind, knowing I still have things to say to and apologies that need to be let out.  I don't know, I just know me moving to Florid...

Finally Got Out Officially moved out of my first apartment into something bigger and better, and honestly, I have no regrets. I thought I would have been sad, but honestly, I feel happier and relieved now that I'm not having to deal with loud neighbors and hearing random banging at 5 o'clock in the morning!!! Like, holy fuck I don't know how I lasted that long in that building. Like, granted I got used to it, so the loudness became nothing more than just me zoning out every time trying to ignore it all. But last night in my new apartment, it was so quiet to the point where it felt like a dream. Going to sleep and not having any noises to be heard was so soothing. I don't know how to explain it. I felt like my body was at ease and safe. I didn't have to worry about anything, and my mind could finally rest for once. Everything go packed and unpacked, I'm still working on sorting out my clothes because honestly I didn't realize how many hoodies I had until it w...

I Just Need You Sometimes I get lost, but then I look at you and know exactly where I am and what it is I need! You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, even though we’re miles apart! But even with the distance, you still make me smile and laugh as if you and I were in the same room! It’s crazy how fast I fell for you when we first met, but I didn’t think too much of it! But somewhere down the line, you became the only person who makes sense to me!  Nothing ever made much sense to me til I started talking and being myself with you! I don’t know how to explain how much you mean to me! I just know if things go down the road, my friend wants me to take it’ll ruin what we have! I’m scared that I’ll lose my ability to be myself around you without the thought of you judging me! I feel like if I make the move, it’s gotta be right and not something just for laughs! It’s gotta make sense! I just hate the thought of making a mistake and losing you and everything I know when it comes...

You Never Saw the Pain Behind My Eyes Even though we danced under the midnight sky while the stars shined bright, you never got to see the pain behind the tears I held inside of me. You were right about most things, but the only thing you still didn't understand is how I could be so happy on the outside and treat someone so well, only to see another side of me when the lights go out. You asked if this is what I steer away from letting others see, and I said yes, only to let all the pain and hurt come out of me, knowing I had no way of controlling it once it got out. I tried to shut you out, but you leaned in closer and gave me the warmest hugs I've ever had. I couldn't help but hold on to you even tighter. You're the only one who's ever been there for me when I didn't know where to go or who to call, and I know I can never repay you, but if there was a way to give you everything you ever wanted, I would. Your smile lightens up my mood, knowing behind every smile...

You Had Every Right to Fade Away! Gotta keep it real and let this shit be over with. Tired of the back and forth, trying to figure out where you are and where we stand. You once held me tight when things went sideways, only to watch me from a distance, making me think it's all my fault now. It's just a shame you had to go and make shit a mess after we both decided to keep it clean and civil. But I guess you had a point to prove to someone somewhere because the shit I saw and heard didn't make sense as to why you had to go and switch up on me like that. Made me feel like I was in the wrong or did you wrong somewhere down the line, but nothing really rings a bell. So please make it make sense as to why you had to go and make it worse for me! The feelings I had for you never changed, but now that I know about the shit you just went and did, it's making me question who you really are and what your plan was all along. It's safe to say I didn't really love the real yo...

Mirrors Tend to Shatter Like a Beating Heart I bet you thought getting close to me would be heaven on earth, but instead it turned out to be a living hell for you. I never gave you permission to be close to me, and the way you go around thinking that being next to me is some sort of prize is wild. I only let you get next to me so I could learn everything there was to you and break you from the inside out. I let you do as you pleased, only to play mind games, making you think I was into you when, in reality, I was replicating a feeling that you had for me. I understood it once it started clicking to me why you chose to get so close to me. You wanted to learn from me and how I could be so cold yet so attached at the same time, and to be honest, I don't have an answer for you. Maybe it's from my past trauma or some shit. But whatever it is, you're lucky I limited myself to my actions. I just know the love you thought I was going to show you was going to be from the heart, but ...