Mak Batirov

It's Done Part 1: Not sure where it all went wrong between you and I but it's whatever. I'm no longer in the mood to care or worry about your doings. I was taking a step back in trying to figure out if pursuing you was a good idea, but it looks like you already made that decision for me, and it's a clear sign of a no. So my apologies if I start acting like how you are with me right now. There's no need for the phone calls and texts due to the fact that the only person I wanted to talk to was you, but since you're no longer on my mind, I see no use in having a phone anymore. Maybe I'm somewhat heartbroken by the thought of all of this, but it's too late to go back and fix it when the damage is already done. I wish you the best from here on out, but don't come back looking for me when your healing phase is done. I'm no longer someone you need or wanted to talk to, so please remember that when you go out searching for me. My existence in your life i...

Ended Up on the Wrong Path I was well aware of where the road you told me to avoid had lead but somewhere down the line, I wanted to go out of my way and see if what you were saying was true or not! There was nothing really left for me to lose other than my sight and beating heart! It never occurred to me that me taking that road would lead me into a situation of illegal doings and substance abuse! I thought if I had kept quiet and avoided others, nothing would have seemed out of place or broken within me, but I was wrong! Everybody around me could see all the broken pieces to me and the fake persona I tried to upkeep so they wouldn’t ask questions!  It’s almost as if the person everyone once knew died, and the one they see now is someone they’ve only seen in a dream, and I can’t help but look at them as if I’ve never seen them before! It’s crazy how they think they know me and what I’m about, but how is that so when I don’t even know who I am? I'm still trying to figure out this t...

I Don't Wanna Say Goodbye... I know me texting you just now was probably a bit confusing after everything that's happened between us two, but why does me saying goodbye gotta hurt so bad? I thought I was done hurting myself, but somehow, when it comes to you, that's all I ever feel like is being done to me. I thought I could handle the distance from you, but watching you slowly fade away is breaking my heart into pieces once again. I wish I didn't have to watch you walk out the door, but somehow you do it all too well to the point where I go running after you, hoping that I'll have something to say that'll make you stay. I just know that being apart from you isn't how I want to live my life. I don't wanna keep running from the pain when all you've ever done is heal the broken parts of me. So why would I bother letting all that fade away over a stupid thought I had? I wish I could have told you the thought I had, but then again, what good would that d...

How Does it Feel to Be a Bad Friend? I thought I'd stay clear from talking about you and the things you did, but recently you've been doing some shady shit, and I've been hearing all about it, and honestly, I'm no longer a fan of yours, so here's the deal. You can pack your shit and forget about ever reaching out to me. You lied about this and that, only to smile through it all, thinking what you did was fine. You had it all, only to lose it all in one night. I thought I could trust you, but turns out you were just like the others, and it's whatever at this point. I knew sooner or later you'd fuck up somewhere down the line, and it looks like that line was crossed not too long ago. So go ahead and pack your shit and go find someone else to take you in. I defended you and had your back, only to find out you never did the same for me. I guess you can say we really did have different things on our minds, and it came out to be true, which kind of sucks, honestly...

Never Meant to Let You In! Seasons change, but my feelings for you still remain. So tell me why we keep going back and forth with this thing called love when it's killing every part of us that makes us who we are. You and I keep going back and forth on this and that, but then we don't talk over the smallest change and shift in tone, and then we wonder what could have caused the change when it was really nothing in particular. It's just two dumb egos thinking that they're better than one another, which is crazy because I never saw you as my compitiontion so please explain why everything I do or say, you gotta go out of your way and outdo me in some sort of way. I never understood that shit about you, I feel like if you wanted to compete the whole time, then we could have just stayed friends and let the egos go head to head whenever, but you wanted to pursue a relationship knowing damn well I steer clear from those. So why go through all that trouble and drama just to tel...

You're Better Off Far Away You might hate me for telling you this, but if there was another way to go about it, I would have taken that route. But right now it's just better if I forget all about you and go about my business. I hate to see you go, but my heart and mind aren't enough to save me from the tears I let out towards you, so please understand that this is how it has to be. There were times when I lost my identity and ended up breaking every piece of my heart to find the truth you lie in, but there was nothing there to find. I gave it my all to be there for you even when the miles were hundreds apart. It just sucks how everything came crashing down on me, thinking that you cared for me, but turns out I never knew you for you, and that's my fault. I suppose I should have taken a step back and analyzed my actions and feelings to understand that we no longer shared the same feelings as we did when we first met. I acted as if we did, and it's my mistake for not ...

I Still Breathe Regardless of Whether You're Here or Not! I know me trying to move on from my past and the people that I once knew has put me through pain I never imagined, and honestly, I have a feeling it was all worth it! I can’t describe the feeling, but for some reason, I have zero regrets about doing it all! I guess my existence was never really meant for others, and I can see that now! I can tell that removing myself from others was the best decision I ever made! I held on to the ones that asked where I was going and if they could tag along, but everyone else just faded into the void of no return, and I’m totally okay with that! I thought I’d have to beg and plead with others to let me go, but it turns out it never came to that, and I’m grateful for it! It showed me that most of the people around me were just simply a waste of time and space altogether! So why do I have to go out of my way and waste my time trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay? Mak...

Is It Alright With You If I Just Let Go of Everything We Have? I get that this is me just being highly direct and honest with you and myself, but I just gotta know if it will be okay if I let go of what we had and fall back out of love to find the true meaning of what I'm supposed to do. I feel like the lies are catching up, and I won't have much time to explain my reasons for going ghost and leading you to wonder about my doings and my whereabouts. I know we never agreed upon having forever with one another, but for right now, that's where my head is at right now and I just gotta know if me being here and there for you forever will be the best decision, or will it break me in the end, thinking I was man enough to go through with it all. I need to figure out if my existence means anything to you or if it's jsut a distraction from something better. I wish I had all the answers to my questions and yours, but right now all I have is a list of all my wrongs, and I need to m...

Had to Stop Myself From Running Away You found me in pieces, thinking you could put the missing pieces back together, but you were only losing yourself trying to fill in the gaps. I tried my best to stop you from losing yourself, but you pushed me to the side, thinking it was best for me while you went out and tried to find the remaining pieces. I held my breath, having every memory fade away before it got a chance of being let out. I lost control in the process of keeping calm to the point where my true self spiraled out and left you in distress about what to do next. I left it up to the shadows to hide away the pain I chose to keep so you wouldn't lose focus on what we had. I lost the meaning of everything we were to the point where your face felt unfamiliar to me, and the touch you had felt unsafe, to where I pulled away, thinking you were just out to use me til I had nothing left to give. You were somebody so close to me, but now you're just a memory trying to make your way...

180 On the Dash Running From My Fate Took some time to sit back and chill while everyone did the things they normally do, but for some reason I had the sudden urge to lock back in and go for a drive, not knowing where I'd end up being. All I could think about was the gaps between the other cars and the cops closing in on me from the rear. It happened all so fast, where everything just flowed so perfectly, and my calculations became so accurate that speeding past those cars felt as if I was in a video game, not thinking too much of it. Everything around me was moving all so fast, yet I'm still not sure what it all entails for me. Was the thought of me being behind the wheel my way back to finding the meaning behind all my doings, or was it me just trying to meet my maker, thinking everything would be better after it was all said and done? I can't define the meaning behind all of this, but the only one that keeps running in the back of my head is a girl named Camryn, thinking...

Should've Held onto You When I think of you, it feels like 2012 all over again, and I can’t help but think about how good we had it! I wish I could go back to the days when I’d sit in the back of the classroom with you, talking about anything to make the time fly by! There were so many great conversations between you and me that I wish I could continue to have them with you, but as of now, I’m stuck trying to find out why they all stopped. I wish I knew the meaning behind us meeting and then drifting apart as if it were just a science experiment that went wrong! I have thoughts about you and me making things right again, but I fear that too much time has passed, and we’ll barely have a connection like we used to have! I haven’t forgotten about you, when you’re still the only one I dream about when I need to remind myself of why I am the way I am! It’s a never-ending cycle of trying to hold on to the one I loved the most, even though you’re no longer a part of my life! It’s a feelin...

I Never Knew How You Felt Until Today I know you’re going to probably hate me for reaching out to someone close to you and asking how you’ve been and why the things that happened between us had to happen when everything between us was perfectly fine! I thought the feelings were mutual, and everything was right from the jump, but I guess you thought my feelings were fake, and you seemed to be trying to find the real meaning behind the things I was doing and saying, when in reality, there was nothing for me to hide from you! Everything I had said was true and real. There was never a time when I doubled back and tried to rethink of a way to get it right when everything just seemed so right either way between us two! It was like a scene out of a movie every time I’d see you walking by, thinking, god damn, what an angel you are, the way your smile lit up a room full of darkness! It was like nothing else I’ve ever seen or dreamed of before! I wanted you all to myself, knowing there were othe...

Go Ahead and Tell 'Em It's just funny to me how you get attached to others who tend to hurt you the most, but go completely silent from the ones who treat you the best way possible. It's almost as if the pain you chase is deep within the trauma that you hold, and it's quite fascinating, honestly. The way you get people to cling on only to use them for your own needs, then throw them out as if they meant nothing to you. It's like watching a playback of my own doings just to realize you might be the one for me. It's crazy how you came into my life thinking I was the sweetest you've ever met, only for you to realize there was something more to me that I wasn't letting out, and I think that's why we bonded so quickly with one another. You held onto the ones who hurt you, while I cling to those who I know can hurt me in the end. It's a never-ending cycle of being abused and traumatized, only to feel numb to it every time it happens. It's almost as...