Mak ￴￴Tulegenovich

Why Do I Love You I know I shouldn't have to ask myself these stupid little questions every few days. But still, I can't help but do it because I feel as if there's a part of me that's untrue, and no matter what I do, I feel like I'll never be good enough for you, but at the same time, you lean in and tell me that I'm doing everything that's supposed to be done when it comes to you. So why do I feel sad when the thought of you crosses my mind, as if I'm still not enough? I know there's no real answer as to what I'm asking myself, so I look your way to try and find it in your eyes, only to smile in the process of it, thinking that you're all I need, but I can't come to terms with it because I'm scared of losing you. So I take precautions when approaching you, hoping I don't make a fool out of myself. I wish I could tell you that I love you, but I know where I stand with my heart and mind, and they'll never let it get to that, s...

Is It Too Late to Tell You How I Truly Feel? I never thought I'd find myself looking in the mirror, trying to figure out who I am and if this is what I want or if it's just a dream where my mind plays tricks on me, making me feel like I can do no wrong when it comes to you. I remember every word you spoke without a single fear. I never cared to run away or pull away; you'd end up getting close or call me out by name. As I sit there laughing to myself, thinking of how this is happening when the rest of them only made me feel like I never mattered. I wish I knew what this all meant, but instead I'm stuck with the flow of it, seeing it for what it is, praying to the gods above that it doesn't end. I understand you like me to where things don't have to be forced or questioned, but at the same time, I keep thinking back to the start of it all, thinking to myself, this isn't going to work, only for you to tell me that you could be mine if I chose to let it happen....

I'm Still Here Waiting for Your Call I know there’s not much going on between the two of us right now, other than the part where I’m missing you, hoping I’ll find my way back to you! I get this feeling where I wanna be next to you, but at the same time, hearing your beating heart makes me feel like a piece of you is still with me! I can’t deny the things I feel for you when everything else has been left unread, making me wonder if the feelings were ever done or if they’re just dormant waiting for the right time to appear!  Every goodbye we ever told led us back to one another, only to look down at the screen, seeing the three dots waiting to disappear! I wish holding on didn’t have to hurt this damn bad, but at the same time, the pain is all I’ve got left to lean on, knowing one day you’ll come around asking how I’ve been! I wish I could go back to calling you, but I guess my pride got in the way, and now we no longer see eye to eye, making me wanna go back to the days when we did!...

Does the Thought of Me Weigh You Down?! Even though the moment is gone, the pain still lingers, making me ask why you had to leave me all alone without saying goodbye. It’s almost as if the chapter of us went unwritten, making me find another way to finish it all on my own, not seeing things for what they truly are! I wish I had the answers to your doing, but I’m left in confusion while the silence takes over, making me lose sight of what’s to come! It’s like the voices are coming from within the walls only to break them all apart and come out empty-handed! So tell me why these tears are drowning me from within as your words cut deep like a knife to the heart, causing me to lose all hope of ever finding the truth!  You left without saying goodbye, making me feel as if I was never enough! I’m left wearing the pain, asking myself why! Had me deep in thought trying to figure you out only to get lost in the stars, thinking to myself I’m better off deep underground. Trying to figure out...

Drowning in the Tears I Chose to Hide You left me all alone like I had nothing left to offer. Making me wonder what the reasoning for your absence was! I learned to sleep without your beating heart next to me, making me think it was all my fault when all I wanted was to love you! Had me putting all the blame on myself, thinking it was for the best! I cried out all my tears, wishing you’d come back, only to drown myself in the sorrow. I tried to run and hide from the pain, but all it did was break me in two every time I stepped out the door, making me feel trapped with no way out! I searched for you online, hoping I’d find the answers as to why the pain was consuming every inch of me! But instead, it came out with zero search results, so I pushed away the laptop and went back to bed, hoping I’d find you in my dreams! But all I saw was just an empty void of no return of what we had! I felt as if there was nothing more that I could have done to get us back to where we once were, so I sat ...

Tried to Love Somebody New, But They Only Lead Me Back to You! We both know that broken hearts don't heal as fast as time moves on, but somehow we're going in circles, looking out for one another, trying our best not to let go of something so pure yet so toxic to our lives. I wish I could explain to you what the thought of losing you makes me feel when the words can't even fit on paper. It's so annoying that I can go into my notes and type it all out to clear it from my system, as if it doesn't hurt, but when it's done, all I do is cry and remove myself from your view. I wish I could go back and delete all the pain I caused and let you be free as you once were. But somewhere down the line, I erased every good in me and left the bad out in the light, making you see a different side of me as if there was nothing left to do with me other than have you let go of me and find someone else to love you better than I ever could. I know it wasn't the best decision on ...

You Were Once My Favorite Memory Even when the world spins around doing its dirty little dance around the universe, it’s you who brings me back to life, making me believe in something worth living for! I can do no wrong and say no wrong when all my answers lead back to you, even when I’m stuck in a dream looking for a way out! All the signs lead back to you as your soft touch reminds me of the memories we once shared! I can’t lie or hide when the thought of you becomes a part of me as if I owe you something in return, not knowing when I’ll get a chance to see you again! The distance is just a barrier that we gotta break through, knowing it’s nothing new to us when it’s been done once before, as if I haven’t been missing you this whole time! So tell me how it’s okay for me to live a life without you next to me, knowing that your love is all I crave! You put all the love we once had on a shelf, making me wonder if that love will ever see the light again, trying to figure out if this pain...

Moving Differently I don't care to say too much because the pain is better off as a friend than a foe. You don't need to bother coming for me when I'm exactly where I wanna be. Don't bother asking for me because they'll tell you to let go of me, knowing it's what's best for you. I don't care to trust you in the slightest, so let the memories of me go and move on with your life, knowing this is how it's gotta be. We don't care for sympathy when the feelings don't exist anymore. We can give you advice, but we already know you won't care to listen to it, so we push you into the fast life, seeing if you can keep up, only to lose sight of you in the rear-view mirror going 123 in the GT3. The city lights keep calling out for me, knowing this is where I belong, only to get trapped in the thought of what you and I could've had. But I choose to ignore it every time and grab the cash from the safe and catch a red eye flght to Florida, knowing i...

If It No Longer Makes Sense, Then Oh Well Say, I've been out the way, and you've been calling out my name, hoping one day I'll come around, but the truth is, the money is calling my name too loud that everything else has been fading out. There's no room for mistakes or flexing when I know how quickly I can lose all this shit. I need some time to get this cash and call it a night. I know I'll come back to you, but I'm not sure when that time will be, when the money keeps calling for me.  You said you'd wait, but I'm afraid there's not enough time in the universe to give to you, by the looks of it. I can go all day without a call or text, only to realize the money is next up, and that's all I got left to understand. You might call it being selfish, but the truth is, love has never been a priority of mine, so I stick to paper chasing, hoping I find my happiness speeding through the night, going 180 down the interstate.  I only ever needed one or two...

I Will Be There... I wish I could reach out and talk to you about every thing that's been going and how I feel towards you but I know that's no longer my place and as much as I try to avoid your socials part of me wants to show you how much I care about you but then again you told a friend of mine that you didn't want anything to do with me and ever since then I remained silent and out the way after hearing that. You didn't really make me feel anything, but at the same time, I wondered what I did that was so bad to make you say that. I tried to go back on the things that happened between us, but I came out empty-handed, so I made the conclusion that we weren't compatible with one another, and I didn't bother asking why, because there was no need. It would have only done more harm to me, and mentally, I wasn't trying to go through that again. So I dropped the thought of you and erased you from my life, only to find out that something kept pulling me towards y...

You Could Never Love Me It's crazy how you acted the part all too well just for me to cut ties with you completely. You thought you'd have me no matter what went on, but the truth is, I was just waiting for the right time to find a way out, and after the phone call had ended, I knew it was time to let go and move on from the thought of ever knowing you. You might have had questions for me as to where you had gone wrong, but as a grown adult, you should have known better, and it's not my job to correct other people's mistakes. I can only react and do what's best for me. You chose to do what you thought was best, but at the same time, it wasn't what was best for me, so I chose to walk away and call it the end. There was no need to go back and forth on the subject or doings because you already told me where you stood in life and what side you were on, and to me it was a clear sign that my time had come and I had to walk away from you and all the things I thought I ...

Finally Free From You Not sure where to even begin, but I know this is where it ends, and I'm okay with that. You and I both know the facts about what's been going on and why I can no longer stay or bother making my existence known when everything is finally put back to where it once was, and every broken piece has been found and put back together. You might find me looking up into the midnight sky with tears coming down my face, asking why I'm crying, but the truth is, I never thought the day of being set free from all the trauma and fears would ever come my way. So I apologize if I stop reaching out and giving updates on everything but most of the things I was going through was because I was holding on to people who didn't deserve to know me and now that I have nobody to call a friend or foe it's alot more peaceful and everything just feels so right that there's no need for the tears or fears to linger around. You once said that nobody could ever love me and I...

Encore I know this might not seem logical, but I just gotta ask: if we restart the process, do the feelings stay, or will they fade away again?! These butterflies got me wondering if I should stay or go, but then you reach out and tell me to do what’s best, but the only thing on my mind is sleeping all the pain away and forgetting all about the past! You say it’s going to be okay, and this was just a misunderstanding, but why does it hurt so bad knowing it was never supposed to go down like this? You claimed this was what you needed, but you go out and show out for some other guy, making me feel lost as if it was something I said and did! You got me standing here second-guessing all my doings as if none of the things I did mattered or made sense! It felt like a waste of time the whole time we were together, having me think this would last, only to come to find out it was just a game to you! You wanted to get close to me, only to step back and find out you couldn’t get inside my head, a...