Mak ￴￴Tulegenovich

You Call It Home, I Called It Hell! Guess I'm in the zone again for a mass amount of post and honestly I thought I'd never reach this flow state ever again but here we are. I swear one right person at the wrong damn time will always have me going back to my damn roots of making blog post back to back and it's not even like it's on purpose or anything like that. I swear they just flick a switch inside of me that unlocks a different flow of chemicals and off I go. I can't decide if I should be thanking them or hating them for unlocking a skill of mine so good that it's hard to find a stopping point. I just wish I didn't always have to come to be like this. Sometimes I wish I could just reach out to someone and that would be the end of it but nope. I'm always stuck going back to my notes and typing up some rough drafts about everything that's related to them and how the make me feel and think about the shit that's happened. So I don't really kno...

Smiling Only for You I know I haven't done this in a while and everything that's being said and typed right now is basically from the top of my head at a rapid pace so I apologize if it seems all over the place right now. The words are coming in hot as I'm listening to this fire song hoping that the things I think and feel make it alive knowing there's no going back. So lets me just sit here for the next 5-7 minutes and get this all out the way before I think of something else to write about. I know the things we do and say don't always come out how we want but deep down inside we all know what we mean and if the things that we say and do hurt the ones in the way then so be it. Sometimes the truth hurts but it's what you do with it that really sets the mood of everything. You can call my line and tell me all the shit you hate about me and go on about everything and anything about all the shit I do wrong but it won't ever change the way I once felt towards yo...

You No Longer Matter Feels like we've been here all before only this time I'm afraid this is where we cut our loss and go our separate ways. I know these past few months have been confusing but for what it's worth I'm just glad I no longer feel like I'm holding you back from doing the things you love and enjoy in life. I know my absence was a bit of shocker but I hope you can live without the thought of me for the rest of time. I know I'll be up thinking about all the things that could have happened between the two of us but for now I just wanna take this time to just laugh at all the good times we had and slowly let those memories fade away. I know I stayed up late at night thinking about you but now that I know where your heart is I know it's no longer my place to do so. I could tell by the look in your eyes that you had already started to forget about me and the things we used to do and talk about and it's my fault for not understanding it sooner. I j...

The Brotherhood I know it's no longer my place to come on here and talk about the people that are having an impact on me in my life but I can't help but come on here and talk about this person because the way they're making me feel and think about things for what they are is so insane that it's got me feeling that everything I once knew and was taught was all just a lie and I'm unsure of what it all means now. I keep asking myself if any of the things that happened to me were real or if it was just to gain control of me in one way or another. I keep seeing this person day in and day out making me feel like there's something there but for some reason we're both just unsure of what we even mean to one another. I know it's nothing to really concern myself with or bother acknowledging it right then and there but part of me feels connected to them in a way that's indescribable in a sense of I feel as if I've known them in a past life of mine or someth...

What Do You Want? First time meeting you and you're already on my mind stuck like glue. Got me wondering if you're just gonna end up leaving me like the rest or if you're something different. Only time will tell but knowing me, that time will never come for me to understand you fully for who you truly are. I'll keep it cool and chill between us two only to make you think I'm uninterested in the things you do and say. I hope we never get the chance to talk or think alike when I know it'll just ruin me in the process if you choose to come my way. I just wanna be unknown to you so we can make it through the week without the need of feeling like we need to help one another out knowing if we do we'll end up thinking there's more to it when there's nothing there between the two of us. It's only in your head. I don't care to understand you or the things you think of when it comes to me. It's not your business to know me or my business to be into...

Update 4.0 Sorry It's been so long since I've posted anything on here. It's just I've been enjoying my time here in Florida and everything it has to offer that I don't really have a reason to be on here, but I will say these rain storms are insane but other than that I don't have that many complaints. I finally landed a steady job and I start full time again soon. So that'll be good for me and my mental health. The schedule is still the same as what it was during my training so that's pretty good. I'm sure they'll switch my days every now and then but not often. They said once they make the schedule they tend to usually keep it so that'll be good for me so I'm not stuck having to switch everything every other week. I've been trying to get back into taking photos but part of me still feels like something is off about it and that I really don't have the same passion for it as I did when I first started and I'm not sure if it...

Different State of Mind I wasn't really trying to come back to this or really care to post anything that was happening as of right now. But here I am trying to come up with an idea in real time to see if it's worth coming back to this or not. I know my move from N.C to FL didn't really give me a chance to focus on much of anything that was happening other than just trying to get settled in and working at a new job which has been going pretty well. It's basically the same thing I was doing back home but with a different company with better pay, and better benefits. I've already started to learn my way around here in Florida and the highways are kind of pain with all the construction and it doesn't make it any better with the back roads being under construction as well. But overall the commute to work is anywhere from 20-28 minutes depending on traffic so not too bad. I'm lowkey loving my work schedule and everything is has to offer. No more getting up at the ...

I'm Good On My Own! Yeah, I don't really have any second thoughts about the move or the things I left behind. If anything, I feel better off knowing I'm no longer associated with those things from my past. It's all good and fine now that I'm completely out of the way with all of the things from my second hometown. I don't really think too much of it or care to reach out to anyone. I'm too content with making my home here in Florida and starting a new life here. I'm good with the thought of everyone I left and made amends to, but overall it's really no longer any of my business. They can still reach out to me about what's going on, but I'm not trying to catch up or keep tabs on anyone from N.C. I feel like that part of me is dead and gone, and it's for a good reason. I was never fully capable of being myself, and now that I'm finally out, I can finally breathe for once. I know eventually the past will come back to throw me in a loop, b...

Officially Made it to Florida Yeah, so I went ahead and packed all my things and drove down to Florida at 12:30 A.M and got in at 7:11, thinking nothing of it. The drive was pretty chill and straightforward. Got stuck in like one traffic jam for about 15-20 minutes, but other than that it was pretty chill. I couldn't really sleep prior to the trip because of my ADHD and just simply wanting to get the drive / move over with so I can go ahead and start my new life and whatnot. I managed to make it all the way down with only one pit stop along the way in SC, and after that I just kept it going. I didn't bother telling my mother beforehand because I knew she would have just told me to wait, and honestly, I wasn't trying to hear all that, so I just left without telling her. I managed to make it down without an accident or seeing an accident, so that was chill. My drive was originally supposed to be 9 hours, but with me just keeping the cruise at around 85, I was able to make it ...

I Wish You Well!! I know I shouldn't be thinking about you and wondering about all the things you're doing without me, but you know how I get when the sun goes down and the moon shines bright in the midnight sky. Everything I know and feel, it all just leads back to you, making me think about all the good times we had, knowing they didn't quite last as long as we wanted them to. It's mostly my fault, but at the same time we were just kids trying to navigate our way through life with no guidance around. I wish I could go back to the first time I met you back in 2012 and did things differently with you. But I know if I didn't go through the things I did with you back then, I feel like I wouldn't exist in this world to this day. I know I have a lot of forgiving to do and apologies to make to you and those I hurt in my past, but right now I just gotta get these feelings that I'm stuck on out of my system and hope it clears things up for me. I know the love I had...

The Pain in My Eyes Please don’t think I’m blaming you or anyone else around me, but I'm telling you how things are for me when it comes to you and the people you bring around me! I know I’m not the most open person when it comes to my feelings but I thought by the look in my eyes you’d see that shit was bothering me but all you did was just accept my silence and continued to do your things with no questions ask and honestly I’m not sure if I should feel offended or if I should be relieved that I’m not having to explain myself every time it happens! I just feel like most things are better to go unnoticed so I don’t have to feel the effect of it and continue living free, even though I know sooner or later it’s going to come back hitting 10 times harder than before, making me ask myself what the point of it all was! I know I walk away from all wrongs and the shit I don’t care to deal with and process, but when it comes to you, I’m stuck in time trying to process it all as if it was m...

Back to the Basics Hey, sorry, I don't really have much to say or talk about right now. I'm still stuck in the moving phase of my life and trying to get shit packed and sold/thrown away. I have a feeling that once I leave, my mind will go back to being in the creative space again, but right now it's just stuck on moving and nothing else. I know I have a few topics that are in my drafts that I wanna go in and write about, but I just can't seem to get in the headspace to do so, and it's lowkey confusing me. I'm stuck trying to figure out if this is the end of all the creativity or if it'll kick back up once I get settled down in Florida and start getting more inspiration from the things down there. Because as of right now, there's literally nothing going on in my life worthy of my time to go out of my way to talk about. I'm pretty much in a solid place of peace of mind and just letting things be for what they are. I know some of my closest friends have...

N.C to FL I can't believe it's finally happening!!! I'm so excited for this new chapter in my life of getting out of this small town I'm currently in and going somewhere where I feel like I belong! I know I've been going back and forth on where to move and when to do it, but I think it's finally time to stop thinking and take some action. So I called my mother one day and said, " Hey, I wanna leave North Carolina and she said okay where would you like to move to and I said I was thinking Florida, and she said, " Okay, " and now I'm ending my lease, selling all of my stuff, and packing away what little left I have to bring with me. I know this move is going to be good for my mental health since I'll be with my dog and mom, but overall, just the atmosphere of nobody knowing me and I can just create a name for myself elsewhere with no drama and make new friends, which will involve me getting out of my comfort zone. But I think it'll be al...

You Lied! That's My Issue!! Yo, stop coming around me just to lie! That shit is so annoying and childish! You claimed you were an adult, but you over here lying to strangers faces about your age just for sex is giving mentally ill and childish! You’re gonna get caught and get your ass handed to you or worse, and honestly, if worse happens to you, then so be it! I hope karma gets her way with you and you’ll finally see how detrimental that is to certain people! Most people don’t take that shit lightly, so for you to keep doing it just for some sex is wild! Never thought I’d come across that shit again in my life, but nope, here we are! Like, do people not be thinking, or are y'all just about as clueless as Blue's Clues? Because what the fuck is wrong with you and whoever likes to lie about their age! Like what the fuck has society come to?!  Y’all normalize lying so much about the wrongdoings that it makes me stop asking questions about you; just ignore your entire ex...