Blog Post 74

 I can’t blame you for thinking that you never knew me. When in fact you know more about me than most people I ever come in contact with. It’s just the fact that most people wanna get to know me and then change everything about me that they don't like which pisses me off and why I don’t really like bothering with people. But you were never like that and that’s what I really loved about you.

I’ve just hurt so many people in the past that I’m tired of it. I don’t wanna hurt you or anyone else by making reckless decisions. I just want to prove to you and others that I’m willing to change if you and others would just give me a chance.

I’m sorry for always pushing you away. I just always thought I was hurting you by having you get involved in my shit that was never about you or had anything to do with you. I was just trying to find myself and figure out what I’m supposed to do with my life.

Because at this point in my life I don’t know what do. I’m not talking to people, I’m beginning to become very anti-social with friends and family members. People are making assumptions that I’m suicidal, depressed and all this other dumb shit when in fact I’m just trying to find myself and figure out my life.

I just don’t want to be behind a desk answering emails and shit for the rest of my life and working for someone I don’t give a fuck about. I wanna do my own thing. I wanna be my own boss of my own shit without being told how to do shit because knowing me I don’t like being told how to do shit and when to do it. I like having my own schedule.

Sorry if this is dealing with a person in my life and about how I don’t know what I’m good for but that’s how my life is currently situated at the moment. I’m just lost as to what the point of this life I’m living is really about. Is it about having a relationship and enjoying life with friends and family or has it always just been about the money and being anti-social with people and staying to myself? 

Because I’ve never cared about relationships or anything dealing with that. I’ve mostly just been stuck on getting money every way possible. Love is complicated to me but money that’s easy and I rather just go with the easy way and stay focused on the money trail.

So that’s what I’m going to continue on doing with my life. work, get paid and live life knowing that I don’t have to deal with someone who begs for attention at the end of the day.