Blog Post 105

I Guess I'll Never Be Good Enough

So I've been doing a lot of thinking and that's something I usually stand clear of doing. But for some reason, the only things that keep coming into my mind are my actions from my past and a girl from my past as well. I keep thinking to myself that maybe there's a way for us to just come to a realization and make things right but every time that happens my depression hits and anxiety triples. 

So I don't know what to do besides:

1. Move back to my place of birth which is overseas

2. See a therapist which I'm highly against doing

3. Killing myself so I can stop having to remember my past & her in general

I guess I'm just tired of people telling me that I'll never be this or that. Cause right now I don't even know what I want. So me having to hear others talk shit to me and talk me down on shit that I think I'm good at and know I can do isn't helping my case. It honestly makes it even harder for me to figure out my life and my life situations that I'm going through.

I understand that others have there whole life planned out for them ahead of time and some just automatically know what they're supposed to do with there well being and life. But for someone like me with a past that makes me go into a depression where I want to go ahead and kill myself and not talk about it is difficult for me and probably others who are around me and care for my well being.

I honestly don't see the point of doing things for my own well being anymore. I don't even bother with social media and basically only use my phone for GPS so I can get away from people. I don't have a single fuck to give about shit anymore. I don't even bother with family nor friends (not like I had friends to even begin with) but anyways people see me out in public and I just walk past them cause I just can't function around people right now. I feel like I'm slowly dying inside and hopefully one day that dream of me dying will come true soon

Not sure how else to say this but I guess this is kind of a suicide note or whatever but the main point I was trying and still trying to go for is that I don't want to be around others if I have to do things the way they see fit. I just want to live and not worry about others opinions. I've been so caught up in trying to figure out my place on this pathetic ass world that I'm currently on and it's going fucking nowhere. 

People keep telling me that we all have a purpose in this world in a way but for me, I feel like my purpose in this world is to just waste time and money. I don't find it beneficial to talk to others nor do I find the time to even make time for others. I like being left to doing things on my own considering the fact that I was unwanted from birth to 6 1/2 years old. So maybe that's why I don't really care to have others help nor their caregiving. 

People see me as a lost cause and I have to agree with them. I've always technically been an outcast and did my own shit on my own time not giving a fuck about others and how my thinking/doing affected there lively hood. (Not like they had one to even begin with). But anyways I don't mind being called out as an outcast or things similar to it cause that's legit what I am. I don't care to make friends, and I sure as hell don't care for parties/large social gatherings. I like being in areas where I'm most comfortable in and know what my surrounding areas have.

I just don't understand why I keep choosing to live on for considering the fact that I have nothing to give to others or this world except for laziness and sarcasm. It honestly just doesn't make sense to me. Why was I created? Why & what are we living for? What are the benefits of being alive? Just simple questions like that make me wonder about my existence and if it's even needed.