Blog Post 106

I'm Back

Sorry I've been gone for a long time but I've just had to gather all my thoughts and figure out what it is that I needed to talk about and address/set somethings straight. So let's go ahead and get right into it. But please note all of this is strictly personal and from my point of view on things.

So without further ado let's get into it.

For starters, there are only two people living in the house. Mom and me + 2 dogs but they're not human so we aren't going to include them in this. Anyways we do our own thing at our own time. We see and talk to each other but we don't ever ask about one another. We kinda just focus on ourselves only and not pay too much attention to one another.

Mom works and I do whatever it is that doesn't involve me getting arrested and put in jail. I tend to just stay to myself and not talk to people unless it's through snap or text. But other than that I don't talk to people outside of my group. I've been really strict with myself about talking to those I know and hang with and those I know of but don't hang with. So, classmates,  I would see in the halls or had a class with. I basically don't associate with those people.

It's hard for me to make friends considering I suffer from AntiSocialism, PTSD, and  Depression. So my friendly skills are not exactly there yet. I have friends but only 2. Bri and Lloyd. I don't see myself being friendly to people who just need a ride here and there and then not have anything else to do with me after that. I tend to keep people like that far away from as possible. I just don't care to have people use me. If I wanted to be used I would have joined the military. Anyways I just tend to look for people I can trust and talk to. Nothing more nothing less.

Sure having people to hang out with is nice and all but like I said I don't like hanging out with others. There's way too much conflict in small situations and drama that doesn't even concern half the people arguing about it so I basically exclude myself out of all that so I won't have to be dragged into it. I prefer to just be me and do me on my own time and not to rely on others and where they are and if they're going to meet up with me or not. Things like that I just don't care for.

I don't see anything wrong with what I have going on with my life. I just find it really fucked up how people think by asking me a question about my living situation it gives them the right to change me and my life choices. Like are you blind or some shit? Seriously I'm not the one you want to change just for your amusement.

I have certain life rules I go by and if you don't like them then please block me and continue with your life. I don't understand people who think like that. That shit just pisses me off.

Oh, and speaking of things pissing me off. I have a really short temper. Meaning my pot of water is already at its max boiling point so if you get on my nerves ever so slightly I will come at you and shut you the hell up. So please just keep whatever little thoughts you have to yourself.

I don't know why I am the way I am but I'm working on bettering myself. But when people wanna constantly knock on my door with hate and death threats it's like why even bother with it. That's why I feel like I should just go ahead and kill myself. Not like I haven't already attempted to doing so. First time I tried was when I was in the 8th grade. The second time was during the summer of going into high school and the last one was a few months ago where I made that video and shared it to YouTube. But that video got deleted so that's a relief.

But I'm no stranger to having thoughts of killing myself or just dying of a natural cause.
Meaning: Car wreck, Reckless driving, Drinking while intoxicated. You know things like that. It's not that hard for me to get alcohol considering I'm 21 now. But people for some unknown fucked up reason still treat me like I'm in middle school or some shit and that's why I end up giving them an attitude and exchange of words.

I don't understand half the shit I do in life and no one is there to explain it to me. When I try to figure it out on my own people stay saying I'm wrong and redo it while continuing on with there own life and basically just leaving me blind. That kind of support has been in my life since I've arrived in the States. I can't tell if it's the air that these people are breathing in or it's just society itself.

Anyways I feel like there should be more to this but this was all I had typed in my notepad on my phone. I wish I could come out and explain more but like I said I can only go through so much before I crack and right now I'm not going through anything. I'm perfectly fine in my room while my dog is on my bed watching me type this. So I feel like I'm done for now.