Blog Post 107

??? 

So I visited my old middle school today and talked to one of the counselors I would always talk to about personal things I'm dealing with and she brought up a person I have a hard time acknowledging/talking about. So this is for her. I'm not sure what this is at the moment but I know for a fact that all my feelings towards her is how this post came to be. Call it strange/weird or whatever the fuck but it's true. Without my feelings for her, this post would have never been published.

I'm not trying to hurt you like I did before. That's why I haven't talked to you in almost 6 years and I know me not reaching out to was probably killing you but I remember you telling me to stop reaching out to you so that's what I did. I never meant to get on your bad side. I only wanted the best for you and us in general. But I now see that was never going to be the case and for that, I'm truly sorry. I know I kept trying but I guess my efforts just weren't working. So I gave up, forgot about you and moved on. I felt like I should have said something about the whole situation but it was too late at the time and I was already going through a lot of shit at the moment. So I felt like by me having to let you go it would just be the end of it but man was I wrong.

I never once wanted to care, show love or even talk to other females unless it was you and only you. I felt as if I talked to other females it would be a time waster for me and it would just make you angry and have you think that I didn't still think or care about you. I never once thought of making you jealous, angry, sad or anything like that. I just wanted you to be happy and the only way I thought that could ever happen is if I just stopped associating myself with you and just have you do your own thing.

Did I hurt? Most definitely. Did I mind it? Not really but I did however mind it when people brought your name up. I don't know why but I still have that defensive side to me when it comes to you. Take it how you will but I don't think I'll ever get you out of my head. I mean the history we had is dead for sure but if we could forget about the past and just focus on the future that would be best for both of us.

If the future means me not being there for you or anything like that then I might as well kill myself. I hate knowing that I'll never be there for you even though I can. I don't know why but every time I leave to go to another State or Country I always think of you and stay thinking of you until I get back home. I know how that sounds but it's just how I've been since I've met you.

I don't question my thoughts on why I think of you when I travel but it actually keeps me at peace. Even though I never actually see you or talk to you. But your face and smile is the only thing I see when I close my eyes for some reason and I'd rather see you rather than someone else when I close my eyes.

I know what I just said was a holy shit kind of thing. But why would I hide that when it's just killing me inside knowing that this Blogspot account is the only way that you'll ever know what I'm thinking about when it comes to you.

I understand you'll never understand my thoughts on you or why I keep trying. But if you give me a chance I can tell you how I really feel towards you and why my feelings are so deeply attached to you. But I know you'll never give me a chance to do so. So maybe I should just go out of my way and do it on my own.