Blog Post 110

Going Through Some Shit

I've been going through a lot of crap that’s personal so I don’t tell anyone. People stay asking what’s wrong and I play it off and just say “not sh** why what’s up” and move on. But when I am posting/tweeting about things that seem off it’s already been dealt with. I just don’t know how to tell people what I’m going through at the moment.

I may seem like I’m everything people claim I am but in reality, I don’t really be trying to live. I just go with shit. I tend to have depression every week. I have problems controlling my feelings towards people. I tend to lose control with my anger and I tend to stay away from feelings (love).

Not really trying to have people around me giving me b.s so that’s why I basically push people who try to give me some kind of b.s away from me. I suck at making friends considering I have a hard time trusting people. I feel like people just wanna waste my time and use me in a way just for themselves.

I like being left alone and staying to myself. I don’t goto to parties/ask to get invited/care to go to even if I’m invited.

I don't know I just be in my own zone where I feel like I need a lot of me time and a place where I’m not a danger zone to others in a way.

Sorry for actually posting this. I just feel like people have the wrong idea when it comes to me.

The short story is basically that I see myself as a loner and I don’t really care to be nice to people I just met. I’m difficult as hell to be around with and when it comes to relationships I don’t even bother with it. I honestly don’t know if this life that I’m even living is relevant or not. But I know I’m not happy with 89% of my actions.

I understand most of you reading this have no idea what this all for/about but it’s not for you to understand. I find it just relaxing to actually put all my thoughts and feelings in this post since I never talk about those two things. It’s almost as if my “Feelings” & “Thoughts” are just an illusion in a way.

Nobody ever knows what it is I’m thinking nor do they know how I’m feeling. So I guess it is an illusion if you ask me. If I didn’t have feelings or deep thoughts I think I’d be way better off in life. But people insist I try and have some kind of feelings towards things. But in all honesty, I’m not sure what it is I’m supposed to be feeling half of the time. I mostly feel empty and depressed and that’s about it.

Not sure how else to describe my feelings besides that.....

Anyways that’s all for now.