Blog Post 111

Made a Stupid Mistake

All this time I've been alone thinking about a lot of things but not once have I not thought about you. I've been thinking about other things that I shouldn't be thinking about and things I could never see myself doing such as dating another person when all I really want is to be with you and only you. I understand we've had our fair shares and rough times but I'm not about to give all that up over two little fights and one big one. I just think we need to be more open about the situations we're going through and be more open-minded about certain situations in our lives.

I understand that there have been times where things have gotten seriously out of hand but I stuck with you til the very end and if that's not good enough for you then I guess I really should just stop applying myself and stop acknowledging your feelings. Maybe then you'd understand how much I cared for you and how much you appreciated every little thing I did for you. But like I told you before I can't help you unless you let me know what's happening and how you're feeling. I get that sometimes you need alone time but I hate having to leave you alone for more than 3 days without some kind of communication. It's like insomnia for me and I don't really wanna be up all night thinking that you're mad at me and might wanna end things when things are going pretty well most days.

I just really hate having to be on your bad side when all I'm trying to do is have us be open as much as possible. But that's kinda hard when I feel like I'm making mistakes every day when it comes to you. I don't know if you realize this or not but me making mistakes with you is killing me inside because I'm scared that the next mistake I make is going to be the end of us and I don't want that. I want us to be civil about things but some things we just can't control so we tend to lose our cool and go about our day without talking to one another and that just makes me wonder if it's even worth having you in my life.

We never really communicate after the fights nor do we ever bring up the fight we just had. It's almost as if the fights we just had didn't even exist.  Which is hella stupid when we both know it happened but I guess we're both too scared to really go into it considering we don't know what we're capable of doing during that fight. We may end up hitting one another or simply throw shit at one another. Who knows but I know I won't be the one throwing the punches. So if you punch me then I'm just gonna take it as it is. I'm really not about to permanently lose you all because you hit me plus I don't want to ever hit you back. So if we ever did get into it I'd probably just leave and have you decide what you wanna do next. But for me, I'd just call it quits.

I just hate making stupid mistakes with you and I'm really trying to figure out a lot of things on my own and maybe that's my problem. I've always been independent so maybe the mistakes I'm making are all because I'm so used to being alone and independent that I don't know how to communicate my issues with others. I'm not sure exactly what it is that I need to do to help myself but if it's being by your side then just know I'm all in.