Blog Post 112

Paying The Price

I'm really not sure where this is going / what the whole vibe of the story is going to be. Let's just say it's gonna be everything that I've been currently thinking about and feeling for the past few months.

Not sure why I think about you some days and other days I don't even remember who you are. It's fucking me up and I'm not sure what to do every time I think of you. I feel like I should reach out to you and ask how's it going but then again I feel like you won't even know who I am and simply block me because it's been so long since I've talked to you face to face. So I stay off social media whenever I think of you. I have my reasons and it mostly deals with me not making the same mistake twice. It's not that I don't want you to know that I'm thinking about you it's just that I know you hate me for doing the things I did in the past and I'm not trying to have my past affect my present life. So that's why I don't try and contact you even though I want to.

I just hate dealing with the fact that I'm thinking about someone who I can't even contact without it going to shit. I feel like I should be totally over you by now. But yet you're still on my mind for some unknown reason. I feel like there should be more to this feeling and more answers as to why I'm suddenly thinking about you. But there aren't any answers just more questions as to why I only think about you. Like why is it I can send you a happy birthday message on May 21 but can't send any other type of message to you for the time being? I feel like that's weird and kind of questionable in a way. Plus I know what could happen if I push my luck with sending messages to someone who basically no longer knows me.

But if there's anything that I've learned from thinking about you it's that no one can compare to you. You were the only one I ever thought about and I think that's what kept me out of relationships and prevented me from having to deal with the things that others deal with when dating someone. Even when I was in some sort of relationship it was only for a brief moment just so I can learn a few things like trust and communication which I had none back in the day it seems. So for that, I thank you plus how can I disrespect someone who taught me how to control my feelings for someone without them even knowing I had feeling for them and only them.

Sorry I never told you how I really felt towards you. I just didn't know how you would have reacted plus I never wanted to lose you but clearly, I did and that I can't change and now I'm paying the price it seems.