Blog Post 114

Feelings For You

I really wish I could tell you that I love you and I mean it but you don't want to hear it and that's what's hurting me the most. I wish there was another way to show it but we hardly ever see one another and I'm not about to force this upon you but I just really wished you knew. I know I haven't felt anything like this in years and it's hard to understand what's happening with me. I try to ignore all the feelings and thoughts about you but it just makes it worse. I really wish there was a way out of these feelings but I can't seem to find a way out. If I knew that this was going to be the outcome I would have never agreed to do the things we did.

I don't know if I'm just bad at love or if I'm just really unaware of how to contain these feelings without making it seem like I don't love you. I'm always afraid of things going south with people who love me and that's the one thing that I hate the most. It makes me want to be even closer to that person even though I know that's not possible especially in this specific situation. I wanted you to be able to count on me and trust me but it looks like all I've done was just make you question my every move. I didn't mean for any of this to happen, It just happened way too fast and I didn't realize this is how I'd be feeling.

I'm never in the mood to talk to others. I'm only in the mood to talk to you and I don't know if that's because I'm way too faithful and respectful when I'm in a relationship with someone or if I'm just overly obsessive. I wish you would talk to me and tell me if it's me or if it's the love I crave from you that's stupid. If it's me then I'm gonna have to end things but if it's the love I crave from you then I need to find a way to control these feelings. But the only thing with that is I never learned to control my love for someone yet alone my feelings and I sure as hell don't know how I developed these feelings for you.

I sometimes feel as if me having these kinds of feelings is a sign from the devil himself for all the mistakes I've made in my past and this is his punishment for me. I'm really sorry that I can't explain anything that's going on with me but I can tell you that I mostly feel pain and love at the same time when it comes to you. I don't want you to think you're causing me pain because you're not. I am for not being real with myself when it comes to loving others.