Blog Post 115

Tired of Feeling This Way

I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to be near you anymore. I thought I could handle this pain but it's just too much to handle. I don't understand why you made me fall in love with you but I'm done with that now. I want to be alone and never see you again. I have to stop getting attached to others because it's clear to me that I can't handle this pain.

I really thought I could handle it but I just can't. I'm losing myself in the process of loving and holding onto you. I need to find a way for me to forget about the fact that you were ever part of my life. I really wish I could be with someone but if this is the way I'm going to be feeling every time I fall in love then I don't want to feel love/know about love. Love to me is clearly a disease and I don't want any part of it.

I had so many feelings going through my body all at once I thought I was going to pass out and I don't want to feel like that anymore/ever in my life. Not with you or anyone else who comes into my life. I love too hard and end up getting hurt in the process. I really have no other options but to let you go and have you fade away from me and just forget about it all.

I'm in so much pain that people around me are asking if they need to call 911 and I tell them that there's no need when in fact I just need to be someplace stable because I'm nowhere near stable at the moment. I wish I could go back to my old self but it's hard transitioning to that state of mind at the moment considering I thought I could go through with this love. But clearly, I'll never be ready for love it seems.

I wanna be alone for the next few months and try to find the definition of what it truly means to be in love and how to control everything that's happening with my body. Because there's just way too much pain to handle all of it all at once for someone who's only been in love once.

I never want you to think that I hate you or don't care about you I just need a lot of time to figure this love thing out and to find myself. I lost myself before and I ended up in rehab and I'm trying really hard to stay out of rehab but if this is how it's going to be then I plan on checking myself into rehab once again. I hope it doesn't come to that but if it does just know I'll end up forgetting your name and everything you were to me. It's going to be just like how I did it to someone else who made me feel the same way as you did.

I really can't be more distant from you or anyone else as a matter of fact but I think it's best for me, you and everybody else around me. I don't want to keep hurting people anymore with my uncontrollable feelings and thoughts. I just really want to be whole again and find my place in this life that I was given. I didn't need/asked for any of this to happen a month before I turn 22 considering I have things to do.

I want to make it up to you but it won't be anytime soon. I hope you can understand that this isn't your fault it's all on me and no else's problem. I just can't love someone like this when I'm just hurting deep down inside. I wanted things to go right so bad but it's clear to me that this love is the same as the 2012-213 love and the problems are too and I almost didn't make it.

So with all that being said, I'm truly sorry and hope you can forget and forgive me. I really did love you and enjoyed my time with you but I just didn't expect it to end so suddenly.