Blog Post 126

Rather Not Feel Anything

So I guess this is what people mean when they say "You Never Know How Good You Have It Until It's Gone". I finally see what they mean by it. I guess I'm just so used to people coming and going that I never checked to realize that. But with you I did and I noticed everything that was good about you and me and that's never been the case with anyone. Usually, it's just a come and go as you please with other people for me. But with it was way more than that and I'm not understanding why that is. I can't tell if it was really because I fell in love with you way too hard and didn't know how to handle it so I was doing everything I could to keep you/have you in my life or if I was just ignoring every sign that was being thrown at my head that I got blinded by my own wrongdoings and never noticed how it could turn out for the worst.

I just really don't understand any of the things that I'm doing or the pain that I'm feeling. Some of the pain is fine but the other half is confusing me. It's like I have the urge to tell everything and on the other hand, I just feel numb and tired. It's so frustrating not knowing what it is I need to do in this scenario considering I've never had to deal with this before in my life. I've fallen in love with people for sure but not like this. I guess it's just been so long since I've felt anything that it was just overwhelming and I didn't know how to control it. But I'm not saying I didn't like it I'm just saying I didn't know how to control it. I've always avoided having feelings for someone else because I would always end up fucking things up for the both of us and the same thing happened with you even though I never wanted it to happen. That's why I said I'd never argue or fight with you because I knew it was going to happen and I just don't know why it always happens to the wrong people. Maybe I'm just the problem because clearly I can't love someone for more than a month it seems and it's so fucking annoying to me.

It makes me so angry that I'll never be able to fully understand what it is I feel when I fall in love with someone other than pain and happiness all at the same time. When all I really want to feel is just happiness with that one person. I hate feeling pain considering I've felt pain all my life and I thought I was done with feeling pain when I met you but I was wrong. It's not fair to anyone that I get close to or just people who want to be friends with me to go through this. It's just not right. I wish I didn't feel anything at all. Me feeling things just makes my life so complicated and it feels like I'm always fighting with every single emotion that I have. No matter if it's anger, sadness or love I always seem to be fighting something within myself and I'm so tired of it.

I wish I could just go back to not feeling anything like how I was from freshman year to senior year. I never had feelings to start with so that's why I never ended up getting hurt. I wish I had that emptiness right now. It made my life so much easier and enjoyable knowing I didn't need to be attached to someone or feel the need of love from others just to know they care. Fuck I wish I had that life right now. I just feel like my feelings are the devil's curse and I'm just living with it not knowing how to use them properly. I feel like I'm a slave when I have feelings or get attached to someone knowing I'm going to end up fucking it up sooner or later with them. I wish there was a handbook on how to control feelings or something on what I feel when it comes to others and if there's a way on how to not have them. I wish I could somehow understand feeling so I'm not like this all the time when it comes to being with someone because if this how it's going to be every time I'm with someone then I'd rather just not feel anything at all and be a loner and live my life without others around me.