Blog Post 127
Still Alive Some How
Fuck why am I such a dick sometimes? All I want to do is talk to you and be with you but I went and fucked all that shit up and for what? I'm so confused with everything that's happened and I can't seem to get over it or you. All I want to do is just talk with you like how I used to be able to but I don't want to make it seem like a joke to you when I say I fucked up and I should've never had my phone to begin with. I really just want to make sure you know I mean every word I say but knowing you you'll never know or understand how much this is hurting me even though I can't stop talking/blogging about it.
Why does everything I feel at ease when I write it down? I really wish we could talk to one another right now. I just don't feel at ease with myself anymore and knowing me I need to be if I want to continue living my life but how can I continue with my life if I know I fucked up someone else's life up and can't do anything about it when that's all I want to do but can't because they aren't letting me. I can't handle this shit. I wish I knew what to do in this scenario.
I just really can't believe I wanna still be with you and still try and make things right with you even though you'll never give me the chance. It's killing me knowing that and I can't really move on because it's so damn hard moving on from someone who I actually cared about and gave all my fucks to give about but ended up making a mess at the end of it all. Why do I have to feel so many things? Fuck I just want to end this pain but I can't because I'm not trying to overdose just yet. I really just want you to know if you'll even consider letting me apologizing to you because I'm draining all my energy by typing my feelings into a post so you'd know how I'm feeling since I can't talk to you/won't let me talk to you.
I swear my life is cursed right now. I'm spending way too much money on food when I should be spending it on you or other things considering I don't even eat out like I have been doing these past few days and it's draining me mentally and financially. I can't even eat half of the time because I think of you and then I'm no longer hungry. My life is a living hell right now and I don't know what to do about it because I'm so confused and lost that it's hard to even think straight. I don't really care to go see other people or even think about dealing with people in general when I still have you on my mind which is so hard on me. But you'll never understand that. I just really wish I could somehow turn time back and just asked you if you were joking or not but I didn't and that's what I regret the fucking most.
Fuck I really need to stop hurting like this because it's not going to get any better for me if I keep trying to apologize to you. It's just going to get worse for me. But I feel like I need to do something so you know I know I fucked up to the max to where I shouldn't even be breathing it seems like. Unless this pain is what the universe has in store for me to understand what I did was fucked up in so many ways. I don't know I'm just so fucking mad at myself that it just hurts being alive at the moment. I can't really describe what I'm feeling other than my body feels like it's on fire and I'm burning in hell alive. I feel like that's the closest I can get to how I'm feeling in words.
Fuck my life is confusing and I wish I had a simpler life. But I don't and I can't change what I have but I can change the way I react to certain situations and my behavior towards things. So I'm going to go work on that until I can get it right and maybe I can figure out a way not to feel the way I'm feeling right now because every time I get behind the wheel I feel like crashing and dying all because of everything that I made you go through/feel and it's so fucked up. I just don't know what else to do with myself or with my life at the moment. This feels so much worse than the time I felt suicidal considering I'm constantly thinking about actually dying and attempting to kill myself while I'm behind the wheel. It's so much worse and I don't even care if I die. This pain shouldn't even be worth living with. It's freaking insane the amount of anxiety I've been getting from this pain and my fucking pills aren't even working because it's too much to handle and it's all because of me.