Blog Post 129

I Should Just Be Alone

I really don't have anything left to say or have anything to think about considering I used all my feelings and thoughts on you and now that you're out of my life I'm back to feeling empty and alone. I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do other than sleep and drink my life away. It's a constant battle with me right now and people around me are trying to help me get through this but I'm becoming more aggressive by the day and I no longer bother doing anything with my life anymore. I feel so sad and I'm never sad. I'm usually annoyed or pleased with certain things in my life. But I guess this is what sadness feels like. Never thought I even had this feeling in me considering I've never been sad about that many things before in my life and never to the point where I feel like crying. 

Why am I and my life such a mess right now? I really don't understand any of the things I'm doing or saying it feels like. I feel like I'm just a ticking death bomb waiting to go off. I'm never aware of my actions anymore and I honestly think people around me have just given up on me so I just do whatever it seems like. I don't even care if I die behind the wheel or just die in general. I've never been afraid of dying. Never been afraid to end it. I've just never been afraid to leave the face of the earth. It's kind of always been a wish of mine every time I fuck up a good thing with someone I get close to. The pain I feel when I fuck up a good thing with someone is so draining and intoxicating that I don't even see the need to go on any further with my life.

This is why I've always been scared to get close to others or even bothered to do the things I did when it came to you. This thing we had just doesn't suit me I guess. I wish it had but it didn't and it's my fault. I never meant to hurt you. I just really can't control what I think or feel. I wish I could but it's impossible unless I do this (make blog post). My life is not as easy as I make it out to be. Once I fall in love with someone I know I'll only have but a few weeks with the person until shit goes sideways and I never see them again. But with you, it lasted longer than I expected and I really enjoyed showing my feelings for you. But I can no longer do that considering I have nothing left to feel other than loneliness and guilt for everything I did to you.

I wish the thought of you could disappear but it doesn't work that way and it's killing me. Considering I just want to move on but how can I if I'm constantly thinking about how I fucked up and can't do anything about it. It's so hard living life right now. Never in my life have I ever fucked up this bad. I've always had people around me to deal with my mistakes but with this one, I chose to deal with it on my own and I can't even do that and that's fucking pitiful. How am I ever going to learn from my mistakes if I can't even handle them on my own without having someone else's guidance on what to do and what we need to learn from it?

The things I've learned from this is just be open about everything that I feel and not hide questions that could make or break the relationship. But it's too late and I wish I didn't have to find all this out like this especially not with you. Why couldn't I learn this in high school or before I met you? I feel like everything would've gone so much smoother and easier with you if knew how to deal with certain situations in a relationship. So now I'm just stuck regretting everything I did to you and I no longer want to feel anything anymore other than numbness. I just feel like I've been dealing with not feeling anything for so damn long that when it came to feeling something it was like a roller coaster ride that never stopped. I wish everything could just go back to how it used to be and I'm not talking about 2 weeks ago I mean like before I added you snapchat.

I feel like I wasted so much of your time that I'm upset about doing it. Considering you took the time to be the real you while I wasn't even sure of who the fuck I am/trying to be. I just knew I was comfortable talking with you and being next to you. But that's all over now so it's really just a shame on my part and I can't believe I ruined everything that we built all because of my stupidity and immaturity. I just don't understand anything anymore when it comes to dealing with love or people in general. I wish I did so I'd move on but I can't when all I think about is how I fucked your life up. This is so damn confusing to me and I can't even see clearly other than the fact I see myself as a person who fucked up and didn't even care to appreciate what he had until it was gone and that's on me for being that way. Fuck I just want this shit to pass but it never will not while I still have you on my mind. I just don't understand anything going on in my life right now. Everything is just a blur and confusing and I'm not even feeling anything which is the worst part. So it's really hard for me to comprehend as to what I should be doing with my life.

I just wish you knew how much I care/cared about you. I said cared because I need to somehow come to an understanding with myself that you'll never be contacting me ever again and it's so hard on me because I still think of you and I wish I could just stop. But it's hard considering everything I felt for you was real and I don't know how to erase those feeling knowing you'll never be a part of my life nor will I ever be a part of yours. It's just annoying in every way possible that I feel like I need weed or alcohol just to feel at ease with myself nowadays. I just really don't know what else to say other than I fucked up and just need to stay to myself and not bother with other people anymore.