Blog Post 143

Was it all a Test

Being with somebody else just doesn't seem right to me when I still have you on my mind. I thought by me moving on and doing things with somebody else it would help erase you off my mind but it's just making it harder for me. I keep having flashbacks of us and I don't know why. I guess it's because me being with somebody else was just my way of trying to erase you from my life when it's just making me want you back even more. I don't know if I'm just stupid or really fucked up. I don't hate the thought of you I just hate the thought of me knowing I can never go back to you and it hurts. But I just have to learn to move on and not look back even though it's the hardest thing for me to do right now. But it shouldn't be considering this was what I thought was best for me so why does it feel like part of me is dying when all I'm trying to do it just move on from everything we once had.

Maybe me being with you was just a life lesson for me to learn how to love again and to feel all the emotions I once lost. Maybe loving you was just a test for me and I failed it. I don't know but I know that I learned a lot while being with you. Too bad I didn't stick around to see how I did. I just felt like everything we did was a test from life itself since I haven't had feelings for anyone since 2013 or really gave anybody a chance since then. I just don't know why it had to be with you though if it really was a test from life because I never thought someone pushing me away and making me walk out would hurt this bad. I just don't see why life made me meet you when It knew it wasn't going to last and knowing it was going to be hell for me to go through all the aftermath. So why did life make me continue with you knowing I hate catching feelings and prefer to be alone. I wish I was back to my old self right now so I wouldn't have to think about anyone but me and not give a single fuck about anything other than myself.

It just sucks knowing this was all a test to see how I do with meeting someone and getting to know them only to catch feelings and get torn apart. But hey I guess that's what life is all about even though some people (me) hate the thought of falling in love. But it doesn't matter to life as long as I have memories to remember it still gets a check at the end of the day. I just don't understand why it chose you when you were awesome in every way. I wish the test had been with somebody who wasn't as awesome as you. But I guess life thought if I was going to be tested it might as well had been the real thing so it partnered me up with you and for that I'm sorry. I didn't expect you to feel that much pain after you ending things and I didn't expect to publish all the posts I did / still am knowing this is my only way of knowing it actually happened when I wish it didn't. I just wish life wasn't so hard when it came to me catching feelings for someone essspecially when it came to you. I guess I'll just continue to be single because I no longer want to live a life where I have to be tested with everyone I find attractive and get close to only to feel pain and question everything I did with that person.