Blog Post 145

Where Do I Belong

This may sound like a suicide note but it's really not. It's just me thinking about everything that's happened to me this past month. It's weird that I still think about people that I haven't talked to in years and want to make contact with them but I'm holding back on doing it because I'm afraid of my actions from my past are going to be brought back up even though that's not me anymore. So I just ignore them and a move on without really paying attention to them even though I want to. I just feel like it's easier that way even though it's killing me inside. I guess I'm just not the type to reconnect or put myself back into other's lives knowing they might want me in there life.

I hate that awkward moment of not knowing if they really care about me and want me back or if they want me back just to break me down for revenge. I guess I've just been through so much hell and back with people that I just no longer see the need for reconnecting with someone who still sees the bad in me when I only see the good in them. I guess it's just my way of letting go and no longer having to worry about them or the things we once did. I just think the way I meet people is cool but the whole going our separate ways is really hard on me at first but after like 3 weeks I'm fine and back to my old self/ways. I may see them out in public but I won't acknowledge them even if they say hi or try and make small talk. I just feel like it's pointless to make small talk with someone you don't care about or really care to remember/know.

I just wish I knew who I belonged with and who I should have in my life knowing I have nobody in my life that I can depend on other than myself considering I've always done things on my own and pushed those who got too close away and I wish I'd stop doing that but it's just a self-defense mechanism for me. I hate the thought of people getting close to me because sooner or later I'll end up hurting them so I just stay friends without needing anything in return. I've already hurt people that I really cared about in my past and I'm not ready to hurt more. I'm still dealing with the aftermath of those people and even though with some it's been over a few years it still hurts and I still have flashbacks of everything that happened between us.

So maybe now isn't a good time to really focus on where I belong or anything like that. But it would be nice to know where I did so I can live life knowing that's my place in life and  I'm with the people that I'm supposed to be with and enjoy my life with. I've also been thinking about wanting to find someone to be in a relationship with but with everything that's happened since last month I found out that I'm not ready for that considering I still have thoughts about a lot of things and it's not about them it's just my life in general and what I want to do with it. But they did help me realize what it is I want and don't want so for that I thank them.

Anyways I'm just going to continue to figure who it is I want to be and what it is I want in life. I already know the things I don't want in life and there's really only 2 things I don't want in life and starting off its people from my past bringing up my past as if I haven't changed who I am. But the last part is definitely my favorite it's not having kids. I kind of hate kids considering I hated myself as a kid so why bother with one. (That's just me). But it's just the truth. I don't hate kids I just hated myself as a kid and the shit I went through. So I'd rather not bother with having my child go through all of the things I went through and experienced as a kid. That's why having a kid never pops up.