Blog Post 147

Running

Feels like I lost myself in all of this. It's like I'm running to get to someone who I will never catch up to but can see in the distance. It doesn't make any sense why I can see you but I can never reach you. You're the one I want but can't seem to get to and I keep asking myself why that is and I just get blank responses. I feel like it's deja vu and I'm getting sick and tired of being on repeat and not being able to get anywhere. I just want to catch up to you and just talk but you keep running and I can't seem to catch a break with you. It's got me drained but I can't stop now when you're in my sight of vision.

I just wish we had a place to go to but instead it's like we're lost and just going in circles like a prison play yard. You keep running from your past thinking things will get better but in reality, things just keep getting worse because you're not acknowledging those problems and it's just a never-ending cycle of bad memories that you never got rid of. You keep on running but have no desire of stopping to think where the destination is that you really want o go and be at. You're just running thinking things will change when things will never change unless you stop and think. I know you've been hurt a shit ton and been through hell and back in various situations and you feel more pain than any other feeling in the world but you need to let go of that pain and start living the life you want.

I get that pain helps you be who you are so you don't ever forget about all the bad things that happened to you and all the people that treated you like shit made you who you are today. But you need to forget about all that right now because it's unhealthy and unsafe and I'm just worried about your well being and I know you think nobody cares but I do. You're way angrier than ever and you're doing things that aren't you. I'll give you credit for meeting new people and making new friends but you should ask yourself if they're the right people for you or if they're just people who you need to associate with to get your mind off the things that are really bothering you. 

We can start off with the parties you sneak off to just to get drugs late at night and the fact that you drive fast because you want to feel the rush and end your life. Also, I bet you party because it makes you feel good and you aren't worried about what others think and one more thing, you meet these new people here and there because you never had any friends as a kid so you're making up for that now. I'm just saying your past is really affecting your present right now and I'm just trying to figure out why you're doing all the things you're doing but it looks like I already found out why so there's really no need to go further into it.

So it looks like I finally understand why you run away from your problems and try to catch up to someone that is better than you because you want to be that person but you can't. Not until you acknowledge all your problems and can learn to deal with them head-on and just let it die and forget about it. I know you prefer to deal with pain and nothing else but that's no way to live your life. I understand you more than ever now and I can see that you're in so much pain because of all those regrets you still think about / have on how things could be different if things went a different way. But you have to think about if it's really worth it. If it's not worth it then just move on and stop acknowledging its existence and if it is/was worth it then do something about it instead of always having to run away from it.