Blog Post 150

Life is a Lie

Thought I'd be done with all of this back and forth but it turns out I'll never be over you or it and it's got me thinking that maybe it would just be best if I ended it all. I keep having thoughts about it just being a masquerade and in disguise but in reality, it's just me not wanting to face reality when I know reality isn't what I'm meant for. I only see what I want to see and forget about things that I can't understand or things that I just can't help.  So maybe this decision that I chose for myself is how it's gotta be from now on. I can't keep hurting those I care most about anymore because it puts me in the worst place possible and I'm tired of being in that place.

I feel like every move I make is being criticized and talked about in the worst way possible when I'm just doing the best I can. It just kills me knowing those closest to me and share the most memories with would treat it as a joke and tell me to just get over it. I wish it was as simple as 1,2,3 but it's not. I feel like there's too much to go through and there's just not enough time to start all the way from the beginning and have my ass work my way up to what's happening right now in my current life situations. I'm still having to process all the shit that's happened to me from 8th grade and when things keep getting stacked on top of one another it's like I lose focus on where I was and what I was having to do. 

I don't know I feel like every time I have something from my past erased something else has to come in and prove me wrong. I wish I could just explain it and have it all makes sense but every time I try it just doesn't come out on how I want it to or how it should. So maybe this life I live isn't meant for me. I keep telling myself I can do better and I'm capable of it but the next day I end up fucking things up with a person or just end up fucking my own self up out of nothing. I feel like my life is just one big roller coaster constantly going in a circle and never-ending and It's fucking draining me of all the fucks I give to live.

So maybe it's a sign from someone to just give up and no longer bother with it because I have no other options out it seems which is fine with me considering I never really once cared to be alive or cared to continue with the life I was given. So maybe being 22 is the end for me and I should just stop trying to continue living thinking things will get better knowing it never will for me. I feel like my whole life is just a test to see how fast I can crumble into pieces before I end my shit for good. My life has never been worth living nor have I ever thought that my life was worth wild to live in. 

I hate my actions and I hate the thoughts that I have as if like they're not even my thoughts. I hate living for someone else and I hate living for myself and I can't explain why other than the fact that I feel like I'm being used as seen fit to one's desired pleasure. I have no right to speak or even a voice to be heard it seems like sometimes. I just go with it and pretend I'm fine with it all when I'm really not. I just know my time is running out and I can't do anything about it.