Blog Post 151
Never got the Chance
Going off the top here so I apologize if I say something rude or offensive. I've been so fucked up lately thinking about you and I know you don't have any reasons to talk to me but I think I have a lot to say to you even though you think I don't. I understand you see me as someone who keeps everything to himself and doesn't tell anyone his problems but to a select group of people and for that I'm sorry. I wish you could see that isn't how I want it to be. I wish I could just come to you whenever I wanted or whenever you needed and let me explain to you what it is I think or feel and just be honest with you like I've always been. But a lot has changed and it's primarily my fault so I don't expect you to feel any type of shame or guilt because you shouldn't.
I feel like so much has happened between us two that I needed to go through a phase where I became a ghost to you and let you move on knowing I'd come back to you when the time was right. I understand that wasn't the best decision I ever made but it helped me grow and learn along the way on what needed to be done and what needed to be understood for me to get my life together and be a better person. I'm sorry I waited so long to reach out to you. I felt like every time I would reach out to you the timing was way too soon or just too late so I never got the chance to say anything and for that I'm sorry. I really wish we could've communicated with one another like nothing happened but I just didn't want to hurt you and feel that same pain again.
Maybe I'm still thinking back to the past of when I wasn't in the right headspace and should've just ended my life then and there because when I said the things I said to you I knew there was no turning back. So maybe that's why I felt like dying and thinking that me being a ghost would erase all of the bad and we could just move on from one another and go our separate ways. But it turns out that wasn't the case. It just made me think about you even more and it made me a different person and I felt like I was never myself so I think that's why my actions were off and my thoughts weren't where they needed to be. I felt like everything I was doing was wrong no matter if it seemed good or bad. I just felt so much negativity around me that I told myself that my life was over and for me to feel that I'm surprised I didn't just end my life when I did.
But me going through all that I did knowing it was all because of one person I'm proud to say thank you. I learned that there's no love without feelings and having a deep connection with someone. I learned that we all make mistakes and we can either learn from them or choose to ignore them. I learned that people can either tear us apart or make us better. I've just been through so much that I ended up taking notes and learned to be patient with things that come my way and leave my presence. We all fall down at some point in our life but if we're strong enough to pick ourselves up then what's the issue? There's so much to me that I haven't learned yet and I'll soon get there but for now, I just want to focus on something else other than people.
I feel like so much has happened between us two that I needed to go through a phase where I became a ghost to you and let you move on knowing I'd come back to you when the time was right. I understand that wasn't the best decision I ever made but it helped me grow and learn along the way on what needed to be done and what needed to be understood for me to get my life together and be a better person. I'm sorry I waited so long to reach out to you. I felt like every time I would reach out to you the timing was way too soon or just too late so I never got the chance to say anything and for that I'm sorry. I really wish we could've communicated with one another like nothing happened but I just didn't want to hurt you and feel that same pain again.
Maybe I'm still thinking back to the past of when I wasn't in the right headspace and should've just ended my life then and there because when I said the things I said to you I knew there was no turning back. So maybe that's why I felt like dying and thinking that me being a ghost would erase all of the bad and we could just move on from one another and go our separate ways. But it turns out that wasn't the case. It just made me think about you even more and it made me a different person and I felt like I was never myself so I think that's why my actions were off and my thoughts weren't where they needed to be. I felt like everything I was doing was wrong no matter if it seemed good or bad. I just felt so much negativity around me that I told myself that my life was over and for me to feel that I'm surprised I didn't just end my life when I did.
But me going through all that I did knowing it was all because of one person I'm proud to say thank you. I learned that there's no love without feelings and having a deep connection with someone. I learned that we all make mistakes and we can either learn from them or choose to ignore them. I learned that people can either tear us apart or make us better. I've just been through so much that I ended up taking notes and learned to be patient with things that come my way and leave my presence. We all fall down at some point in our life but if we're strong enough to pick ourselves up then what's the issue? There's so much to me that I haven't learned yet and I'll soon get there but for now, I just want to focus on something else other than people.