Blog Post 152
Why Now?
How come I waited so long to finally look deeper into my real parents and my past life to find out that they had people in their lives who were involved with terrorism acts? Now I'm not necessarily saying my birth parents were involved or in on the terror attacks that were happening I'm just saying I think there are clues that people around them and who they were associated with were involved in terror activities.
So I guess them putting me in the orphanage was their way of making sure I didn't get involved or have any kind sight of it. Even though sooner or later they'd somehow find out that I'd find out the truth about them and the reason's behind me being put into an orphanage. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel exactly right now considering things like this aren't something you should go about by yourself but knowing me and wanting more info on my birth parents and everything that there was so I could understand myself more was the only way. But now that I know things that I can never truly understand or comprehend as to why hurts.
For the past 22 years, I've always wondered why I was left on the doorsteps of an orphanage, and now that I kind of know I can see why I hate myself so much and feel suicidal all the time. I guess my purpose on this earth was to work for isis and be a suicide bomber. I just don't understand why I have thoughts like this seems legit or this seems accurate even though deep down inside I know I'm not capable of killing someone out of the blue or for no reason. Now am I saying I won't kill someone no I know that I can or will when the time comes for it but me killing someone just because just doesn't sit right with me.
I just don't understand how my fascinations with knives at such a young age came to be and why I was so interested in knives instead of guns. But now that I'm older I can see that I'm more than capable of stabbing or shooting someone if needed and not feel any kind of guilt or feeling since I've never really known how to feel guilt or sadness other than anger and getting even with people that did me wrong. So maybe what I found out is the truth behind me distancing from people and feeling the need to fight and injure those I come in contact with.
Maybe it's time to change my habits from being liked to being someone totally unrecognizable and following in the footsteps of those from my past. If this is truly the real me then I'm not going to hide it and have it be known that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make my real parents proud and I don't care who I hurt in the process of making them proud.