Blog Post 156

Never Meant for This to Happen

I swear it gets worse by the day knowing this life I'm living is a lie and nobody even knows it. I can never come to reality as to what I want in my life and who I want in my life. I like being me and doing what I like but when it comes to talking to those who are close to me I freeze up on topics such as seeing someone or even mentioning someone to them. I guess there's just too much stress and anxiety in my life right now for me to accept the fact that I like what I like and can't help it. I don't know why but I feel comfortable with doing the things that I'm doing it's just I know people around me are going to have a problem with it and I don't think I'm ready for them to leave my life over something that should be normal but apparently isn't right now.

Maybe if I just numb all the thoughts and feelings things will be okay but then I'll never understand how to truly feel about people or certain things that happen in life. Such as knowing if the feelings that I'm having are real or if they're just making me feel some type of way so the time can go by faster and never have to deal with it ever it again. I really wish I could go into this state of mind and this physical state but knowing me and how I am I'll also be willing to kill myself in the process of not having to feel anything. So with that being said, I should probably hold off on doing that before people around me start asking if I'm doing okay and start checking up on me every hour of the day.

I just think me being the way that I am I'm starting to feel a lot more emotions for others and I don't know why. Usually, I don't show any kind of emotions but something happened in the past 6 months for me to show emotions and I don't know how to control them nor do I know how to use them in the correct way, It's like lately I've been searching for something that I'll never be able to find but when I met them for the first time it was a different feeling at first but also felt similar to the someone who I ended up falling hard for back in 2013. Which is weird as hell considering this is something I thought I'd never have happened to me but I guess I was wrong.

I'm not saying I didn't like the feeling or the thought of me and that person being together I just felt as if I found someone worth having to get my mind off from someone who's always been on my mind since I first met them and I guess part of me didn't like that so I shut down completely and went ghost from them. I guess somethings just aren't meant to change and something are and I'm glad there's still a part of me that keeps her close to my heart knowing I can never be with her. It just feels comfortable for me. It's hard to explain but not really since I'm not ready to give up or even move on from someone who once made me feel something that I can't feel with anyone else.