Blog Post 161
It's Just Easier This Way
It's been a few days since I've done anything relating to social media other than delete/deactivate my accounts due to personal and mental health reasons. I'm not mad or upset about anything or towards anyone. I've just been feeling very drained recently trying to do social media and keep up with everyone I care about with everything that's been going on with work, life and moving out it's been really stressful on me and not knowing what to do just made it worse for me. So I thought by me getting rid of my socials would help me get more time on my hands instead of looking at a phone for 15-18 hours a day. I haven't received any text or calls asking if I'm okay/what happened so I guess it was best for me after all. Considering I was right after all, nobody cares and I'm okay with that. Gives me plenty of time to reflect and think about everyone who was just there but didn't really seem to wanna be there I guess. Maybe they can all just leave me alone and stop wasting my time and dragging me into shit I don't care to be dragged into.
I'm not changing my number due to changing it so many times already. I think this is like my 4th number this year and I really don't need people asking who this? Like bitch who do you think? Anyways I'm just taking a year to myself to get my money up and figure out what's best for me instead of listening to those who think what's best for me when they don't even know me. I just don't need distractions right now and people's input on what I need to do for myself is a big distraction and I just don't have time for that right now. I'm not depressed or feeling down. I'm just simply working overtime which is great for me because I'm making more money and stacking up pretty well now that the holidays are arriving. So that I'm grateful for and having zero complaints about. I just realized me being on my phone connected to people I don't even truly care about was blinding me from seeing what I really needed to work on. I realized I've been pressuring myself to do better and work harder than usual just to make myself seem more productive and occupied but in reality I just needed to stop worrying about what other think about me.
There's always been pressure for me to please everyone I met and came in contact with and hang out with but in reality it was making me miserable due to the fact that I know/knew deep down inside that's not me and never will be. I'm only able to do things for myself and only for myself. I don't care and never will care to do things for other people. It never has it's rewards at the end other than being disrespected and loss of friendship. Feels like I'm been putting up a barrier on so many things that I no longer see the need for a lot of things such as living or even having a life and that made it really hard for me to do things. But now that I'm working and making money and no longer looking at my phone at toxic shit and receiving messages from useless people life seems to be pretty good for now. I'm not sure why it took so long for me to just say fuck it and fuck everybody else's feeling and just focus on myself but shit I'm glad I did.
I lost a shit ton of people from my life but they were just pawns anyways. Never really saw the need for them. They were just their to pass time by and that was pretty much it. Guess this life really is just a chess game and I just got checkmate. Feels pretty good if you ask me. Yeah year long friendships were lost but fuck it. I'm tired of giving my time to those who just use me for shit and get a free ride when it comes to me. Feels nice not having to give shit out or feel obligated to doing things for others. I already made up my mind on the whole 2021 outcomes and man are people going to be mad lol. I'm still going to ignore people from my past other than the one person I can't seem to stop thinking about and just let shit go from there and yes I have thought about reaching out to her but I just don't think it's going to go anywhere like before. Anyways I'm just basically getting my cash up and living life with what little time I've got left because within 5 years I'll no longer exist and will be making my death unknown and just let it be surprise for the people who once knew me.