Blog Post 166

Not Holding Back Anymore

Since you want to know the truth so bad I’ll give it to you. But don’t come to me telling me I should have told you sooner when I tried. You just only seemed to care about how far you could push me away and forced me to hate you when hating you was the last thing I ever wanted to do.

If I'm going to be honest here I'd like to point out that I only hate you for pushing me away. I never hated you for you or whatever you thought it was I hated you for. The way you pushed me out like an outcast really fucked me up considering the feelings I had for you were so new to me I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. But now that I’m much older I understand that feelings are something we can choose to acknowledge or just simply ignore and once I learned how to ignore all the feelings that I had. I made myself move on from you and just decided I didn’t want to feel anything ever again unless it was pain.

You put me in such a dark place I thought that not feeling anything was such a normal thing to do for the longest time. I never felt like it was worth my time or necessary to show any kind of reaction or emotion when it came to others. I felt like showing emotions and feelings was a sign of weakness and a cry for help. I felt so isolated that I thought being alone was normal for the longest time. I never saw myself being intimate with anyone. I stayed distant and alone because it was the only way I felt comfortable.

I felt so much isolation that I became depressed and suicidal. I felt like dying on so many occasions that I start making jokes about dying to cope with everything. I wish I could say I was lying but I’m not. I thought being alive was only for those who had a purpose in life and I felt like I didn't have a purpose or any need to be alive so I ended up abusing my body to the point where I needed to be hospitalized. I felt so numb to the pain I was causing that my own body started shutting down. I never even noticed how far I had taken it until it was almost too late to stop it.