Blog Post 171

I Just Needed Some Time

How the hell do you get mad at someone for not giving a fuck or basically just not having a care in the world about people/things? Not everyone has to care about this and that when they don’t see the purpose of it! I understand some things are meant to be cared for and need acknowledgment but at what point do you ask yourself is this even worth my time? Seriously ask yourself if it's worth the time and stress to be bothered by something that's not going to benefit you in the long run/future. Go find something else worth acknowledging other than human beings and things that don't make you any money. I'm just tired of the bullshit that comes my way every now and then that could have simply been avoided if people knew how to distance themselves from the bullshit, to begin with. 

I already came to terms with me being an uncaring and distant-ass person but don't force me to show feelings or some kind of acknowledgment to something I have no relationship or relevancy towards. I did my best to show feelings back when I thought people mattered and I needed them but ever since graduating high school it turns out people are a disease that can't be cured. So me being so-called your "prince charming" / "knight in shiny armor" or whatever the fuck you call it nowadays just know I will never be that person. I will never put myself in a position where I end up catching feelings and falling for someone and making it known how I truly feel towards them. That part of me is dead and gone and can't be brought back. I could try and learn how to feel something towards another person but they'll have to be the one and so far nobody has come close to being the one for me. So there's really no need for me to have any feelings at this point.

Some people who go through trauma and certain things in life lose all hope and knowledge of feelings and knowing how to control them. It’s just easier to ignore and move on for some people such as myself. Feelings come in and go away like a tornado touching down. It'll be fast and unexpected at first but after the connection is dead it's calm and quiet and that's when I move on. Nothing to hold on to or look back on because it's all done within the first few minutes of making eye contact. Nothing against the person I spotted looking good and thinking we could be something it's just me knowing it'll never work and me not wanting to fuck things up with anyone who will mean the most to me.

So next time you feel a certain way about my neutral attitude/feelings towards something that you think is/was tragic ask yourself is it really worth talking about it to me, knowing I won't care and will forget the next day about what you just said. I don't see the need to get attached to people or things. I'm not someone who cares if you live or die or if something positive or negative happens in your life. I'm not sure how to feel when it comes to showing emotions so I just stay neutral about most things that way I don't say something hurtful or rude. I don't care if you accept me or not. I'm just here to do me and be left alone. You can talk to me all you want but I won't reply unless I hear you say some shit worth responding to. But if you touch me to respond to your question/conversation then expect me to go off on you. Not because you said something but because you didn't keep your hands to yourself and everybody knows you should keep your hands to yourself at all times. So whatever made you think you could touch/grab me is still a mystery to me. But you better figure out how to talk without touching someone or you'll be going home with a pen in your hand.

People really need to relax when it comes to trying to get close to me because within a week or two I’ll get bored with you and cut you off. Not because you did something wrong but because I don't like being around people for more than 30 minutes. I feel like after I've seen you and said everything that needed to be said that should be the end of it and we go back to our private lives. Stop dragging certain shit when the vibe/connection died. Go find somebody else to talk to and waste time with because as soon as I'm done talking with you and everybody else I came to talk to I'm heading back home and calling it a day/night. Don't call me up reminding me of what we talked about that night because, to be honest, I won't remember what the fuck we talked about. 

I keep my distance from everyone I meet due to psychological trauma and just not seeing the need for you to be around me. I  only talk to the same five people I’ve been talking to since I graduated High School! I just don’t care about people the way others do! I find the human contact/human race to be vile and irrelevant at this point! Kind of stopped being friendly after realizing people aren’t really my cup of tea! So basically in high school. I ended up removing myself from a lot of situations just because people are either going to be there or simply because I don’t know them and what their intentions are. I’ll go weeks to months not talking to anyone and be totally fine! It’s when I have to actually talk to someone or if it’s a group of people that I start getting annoyed! I really just like being alone and left alone without having people next to or near me. Something about being alone and not having to be there for others when nobody was there for me feels like the right thing to do. There's less drama and less time being wasted for me. 

Even though I'm ending it here for now I feel like there’s still a lot that’s been unsaid and a lot to still process but for now, this is the best that I could do help you understand why I don’t care about life or living!  Being alive for me is like sitting in a room full of darkness expecting to see a way out when in reality there’s never going to be a way out so I’m just stuck telling myself this is it and off with my head! I never talk about what’s on my mind because deep down inside I’m drowning and nobody can help me because I feel like asking for help is a sign of weakness and I’m so used to numbing my feelings & emotions that it feels unnatural to me when I do feel something towards someone/something.