Blog Post 172
Should've Never Walked In
Honestly I don’t have a way of putting this in a short and easy way. All I know is I’ve always had feelings for you the moment I stepped foot in that classroom and now that I’m older and looking back on certain life choices me stepping foot inside that classroom and laying eyes on you was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I caught feelings and said things I shouldn’t have said so I got angry at myself and became distant and heartless towards you and others. But it was mostly towards you and I hated every minute of it. I tried to reach out to make it better but I never felt like the timing was ever right and me feeling like I’ve hurt you or was going to end up hurting you never sat well with me.
I wanted to die so bad that I end up being in a rehab facility because I didn’t know how to control any of my feelings. So when I left the facility I ended up just being numb and had no feelings towards anything or anyone. I wanted to talk to you the moment I stepped foot in school but I couldn’t because I had nothing to say. I think for someone to have a conversation with someone you need to have acknowledgement of others and there feelings but I had non of that at the time. I just disappeared from existence and never spoke after everything and I was always in a numbing state of mind. I didn’t really have much time to reflect and react when it came to you. It was just avoidance and distance which I wish never happened between us two.
I just keep running from the thought of you and keep distracting myself with things I shouldn’t be. I know I should just get it off my chest and tell you how I’m feeling and just be up front about it like I used to be. But considering the circumstances and everything that went down between us two I don’t know who I was before meeting you. I’ve only ever truly gotten to know the heartless and distant person that I am today. I never had a chance to understand the old me and I don’t think I want to. I like not being able to feel and not care about this and that or thinking about if I reacted the right way towards somethings. I can just be neutral and carry on and ignore the rest. It’s easier and effective to my life needs.
So maybe I should be thanking you for breaking me in the most draining and toxic way possible that I no longer have to feel any sort of feelings towards others. Since I no longer know how to feel what others feel I’m no longer able to put myself in a relationships and when I do it only last about a week because I just get bored with that person and I have thoughts of you when I know I shouldn’t. It’ just makes it harder and complicated on me knowing someone is actually that caring towards me and for what?! Makes no sense to me! Like get the fuck out my face and leave me alone. Why are you trying to be so happy with me knowing I don’t care? Like stop trying to be this fake girlfriend when I don't even care to be like this.
No matter what I do my relationships always go to shit and I don’t even know how to stop myself from going off. So I just don’t bother with them. I stay single cause I no longer wanna be the bad guy. I ignore all signs of being in a relationship and just stay single cause it’s what I’m best at thanks to you! I can’t even bother to acknowledge others when they ask me out or even wanna commit to a relationship with me. I just keep thinking to myself and out loud letting them know out of all the people you could’ve asked out you chose me? What are blind and stupid? And I just walk away cause I can’t be bothered with stupidity!
I’m not comfortable with other people I’ve never met or talked to being in my life. I feel like they’re just going to be a waste of time and I have no need or use for them in my life. So I ignore them and continue bout my day! If they wanna try asking me out again they can but usually once I tell them to fuck off the first time they usually don’t which is a blessing for me. That way I don’t have to keep entertaining them!
So yeah I’m pretty well off right now and I no longer care about what others think of me since I’ve already accepted myself for what I am. I’m no longer in the state of mind of trying to prove myself to anyone or anything. I don’t have the urge to acknowledge my work or accomplishments since it’s just pointless. I just wanna be me and if that means losing friends and family members like I know I have then so be it. I’ve already lost the person who meant most to me so what’s a few more?