Blog Post 175

People will never understand my isolation & dissociation phases and I don’t expect them to.

There’s times where I feel like a burden to everyone around me and that’s when I tend to cut people out of my life so I don’t end up hurting them and end up making things worse for them. I understand that blocking & cutting people out your life is a sign of loss friendships / love for one another but it’s not the case for me. It’s just I don’t want to say or do something that’s going to jeopardize that bond / relationship we have. So I go and become antisocial and ignore everything and everyone around me until I’m aware that everything is fine.

Honestly I still can’t do a relationship with someone I care about because I’m afraid of what it can turn into like marriage and having a kid and I don’t see myself being a dad anytime soon or anytime in general. I’ve gone back and forth with this having a wife and a kid scenario multiple time since I was 17 and it just never seemed like the right thing / my purpose in life. It’s just one of those things I’m still debating on doing like a bucket list activity type shit. I’m personally so mentally damaged in the head that when it comes to relationship all that goes through my mind is that they’re using me and I need to end things with them. I’m aware how fucked that sounds but it’s just not worth my time or hers when I already know this isn’t going to work / last longer than a week or two.

 
I enjoy being alone. I’ve primarily been alone my entire life. Whenever people are around me my anxiety goes through the roof and I end up leaving & going for a drive. I don’t like being in crowded areas and I definitely don’t like being grabbed / hugged. It’s the weirdest feeling ever to me and I don’t understand how or why that’s a norm for humans to just hug others every time they see someone they know. Like just say hi and move along. Don’t need to be physical all the damn time. I feel like the only time you should be physically putting your hands on someone is if you’re in a fight or if you’re having sex with your loved one. Otherwise don’t bother laying hands on me cause it’s weird and uncomfortable to me.