Blog Post 177

I don’t know it’s just so much to process all at once!

Why is it that whenever we link it’s all good and well but as soon as I ask a simple yes or no question you wanna ignore it and leave me on read? I’m not trying to lose my cool or anything … it’s just all my friends & family are telling me to let you go.. and I hate the thought of doing it because so far it’s been going really well it’s just things like answering a simple yes or no question you can’t seem to do for some reason. I don't know I just thought things would be different and even with me not doing anything things still don’t seem to go well. So it’s just all an eh at this point with you. I’m not sure what more I can do/need to do for us to remain friends / whatever this is that we have. I just know It would suck letting go of everything that I managed to work so hard on with you just for it to no longer exist. So I’m just gonna give it some time and let you decide if it’s worth it because for me it’s all a blur and a possible no!

I just thought giving it 3 years would have made you realize that things can work if you just apply the energy and time into it. But I guess it was never supposed to be with me by the looks of you always only wanting to do it at my place and never anything in public. Keeping me hidden like a stray. It just really sucks how I have all this free time on my hands just for you to only come over when it’s convenient for you or when I’m bout to go do something and you wanna do it right then and there. It really just fucks with my head because I ask if you’re busy and you say yes so I make plans with others and then next thing I know I have to cancel plans because you wanted to come over out of the blue and I’m just not okay with any of that. I hate canceling shit with people cause it just shows lack of respect and I don’t need that when it comes to people that I actually care about.

I just really hope you got what you were looking for from me because it’s time to move on! I can no longer feel the way that I do when all I feel is betrayed and used when it comes to you! It just hurts knowing I let you back into my life thinking things would work just for you to use me! I guess you had your own intentions as one should but they were all the wrong ones and I wanted to ignore them because I thought if I said no or maybe you should change your ways you would get physical with me and I just couldn’t afford to have that happen. So I just went with the flow and let it happen and for that I can never forgive myself. I became so used to the feeling of not feeling anything that I was blind sided by the abuse and trauma once again. It sucks for me because I gave it my all and you barely gave it any effort. But I guess that’s nothing new coming from you. 

I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. I just wish you could see me as the good guy but you’re only into seeing how much you can use and manipulate me before I break and to be fair that’s gonna be while because when it comes to you there’s no feelings or any sort of connection. So good luck. It’s just me being obsessed with the pain you give off and I don’t care to stop it because that’s all you’re good for! You’re the demon to my nightmare and I get a high off it. So please don’t make me lose you once again. I just need things to remain the same but with just more communication skills and a lot less of overthinking! 

But if worse comes to worse and things do end between us I just hope you know that you’re more than welcome to come back when the timing is right and you’ve found yourself in a good and rested place. You just seem so lost right now and I’m trying my best to help you find your way but you aren’t taking any of my advice so I just end up distancing myself so I don’t end up over stepping my boundaries with you. I just really hope you come to terms of who you wanna be and what it is you want! I know I’ll never have you but as long as you’re in my life even if it’s for a brief moment just know I did my best to treat you right and I’ll always have respect for you even though things don’t always go as planned. I just never wanna stop caring when it comes to you! Let’s face it you were my first and that’s why things are always so confusing between us two. It’s hard knowing that there was a 3 year gap of not talking to one another to trying to get know each other again in a one month period. 

There's still a lot I don’t know about you and there's still a lot you don’t know about me but hopefully, if we can put aside our differences and be more open and relaxed with one another I don’t think there’s anything that can stop us from being who we really are with one another. I just really like the open concept of you & I doing what we can when we can! Even though at times our schedules clash with one another! I just wish we could do more things together outside the bedroom! I feel like it would probably break the tension between us both but knowing you, you’d never do it because of everything that went down & all your friends hating me! So I guess baby steps all the way is the only way when it comes to me & you, which is fine it would just be nice to not have to do all the extra steps just get from point A to point B!

All I’m really wanting from this point on is just communication and consistency! I don’t need any of the bullshit or the anxiety when it comes to me overthinking. I just need shit to go how it’s been going & have things stay the same! I don’t let my feelings show and you don’t end up hating me. It shouldn’t be that hard since we’ve managed to go this long! 

I’m just scared of having a mental breakdown/relapse over losing you! I can’t even process the thought of what I’d do if I lost you! I’d probably end up so numb that I’d end up killing myself! I just really hate the thought of losing you and letting my emotions get the best of me! It’s already hard on me knowing that I can’t fuck up with you knowing that’s all I’m ever good for! It just really sucks being in this position with you because I just want the best for you but I know you’ll never be your best if I’m around so why do I keep bothering with you? I wish I knew the answers to that question but I don’t! I’m so focused on just making things right with you that nothing else seems to matter to me right now. Not my friends not my family I’m only focused primarily on just you! I know how toxic that may seem but it’s like if I lose focus on you then you’ll end up leaving and I don’t want that. I just need to find some way to control my feelings to where they don’t seem so out there and just let them flow freely when the timing is right. The timing we have right now just isn’t it and I don’t know why.

I wish I could just pop the question and be done with it and move on but I can’t because you’ll never let me out of your sight. You keep me at an arm's length but anything past that you’ll end up pushing me back which is fine I just wish it wasn’t so demanding and instant. I need space to breathe as well and I can’t do that when you’re always right then and there right as I’m about to be on my own! I don’t know if you have trust, attachment, or abandonment issues but whatever it is please just let me go! I’m not looking for anybody else when my mind is already set on you! So please just understand that you’ll always be the one just not right now!

I need to be free so I can work on myself and have a clear head when it comes to you because unfortunately  I can’t see past you or your lies right now and it’s putting me in positions I don’t wanna be in. I’m scared if I’m put into those positions that you’re forcing upon me things will end extremely badly for the both of us. Now unless that’s your plan all along then please just go ahead and remove me from your life bc I can’t live a life like that. I need to be free and independent but also loyal to somebody I care about. But it doesn’t look like I’ll ever have that with you, the only thing I’ll ever have with you is the past and nothing more it seems. There’s never any room to breathe or talk and it’s stressful for me because all I wanna do is talk and see how things are with you and see if I can help in any way. But I guess that just isn’t what you’re looking for when it comes to me!

I just need this to be over and move on with myself. I don't care if I did you wrong because I know I didn't and you wanna know how I know I never did you wrong? It's because I stayed true to myself and showed you the real me while you only showed a piece of you. It sucks trying to give it my all into something that's not going last or better yet workout right. I just really wished I had more time with you but it's clear to me that time was never going to be on my side when it came to you. I really hope you can see that I'm no longer in the mood or in the right headspace to give a fuck about you or anything you have to say to me. Just please move on and don't look back because I can't go through the pain and trauma again. There's been enough damage from you that it's still being processed and I'm working on how to go about it all and moving on from it.

I really hate being the bad guy but it's all have left to go with when it comes to you. I wish I could just let it all slide and move on but there's just so many things that need to be dealt with before I just let it all fade away. I have so many questions about everything that has happened and everything that is bound to happen between us. I just really hate to end things knowing that there might have been a reason for all of this going down and how fast it all went down. But I won't know that reason until I find out what you really meant by everything that you said and did and until then it's all just going to be in the unknown.