Blog Post 179

I Give Up

Let's face it, you won and I lost! I was only right about one thing and that was things can never be good between people from my past. Things just always end up going to shit no matter how hard I try to make things right! Things will continue to spiral out of my control every time. I need to just focus on new people and stop caring for those from my past. I wish I still had you in my life but it's too late for all that. I already moved on somehow. I wish I hadn't but I did. I guess me analyzing everything that went down from the beginning to the end really made me realize that I was never the issue, it was you! It just hurts and sucks hella shit that I put all the blame on myself just so I didn't end up hurting you! But maybe hurting you like you hurt me wouldn't have been so bad. But that's no longer me so I can't resort to that sort of doing. I can only let shit be how it is and just move on from it. I can't hate you or dislike you, I can only forgive and forget at this point.

I'm tired of having to hate people that did me wrong or hurt me. It just puts me in such a dark place that there's no coming back from it and I don't wanna live like that. I just want this to be over and let you do your thing like before and just simply not have you exist around or near me anymore. I just need things to go back to how they were. You being a total ghost while I live and do what I need to do without thinking about you and how you hurt me.

I hate the thought of having things going back to how they were. But like my friends said you aren't the one and I should just find someone way better. I guess just the thought of you being around again made me lose sight of all the lies and shady shit that was going on behind my back and for that, I can never forgive myself. I should've been honest about how I felt from the jump but I knew if I did you would've just lashed out and I wasn't trying to deal with all of that. So I'm sorry that I did what I did and how I overreacted to the shit you said to me. It just really hurts knowing I wasn't what you were looking for after everything we did and all the talks we had.

Everything kind of just hurts right now and I wish I could just numb it like I normally do. But this pain is so surreal that I can't even comprehend to process it. It's going to take hella months just to figure out why you were even around and another few years to figure out I'm even worth being here on earth. There's just so much to process and figure out how to control all the shit I'm feeling without going to the drugs for closure. 

I really thought things were going great and things could be worth the wait and shit but you said it yourself that you didn't want me so I did what any normal person would do in that situation and just withdraw. I didn't understand how me removing you from all my socials was childish and you telling me to grow up because I removed myself from your life due to you having someone already on your mind for marriage. It just really didn't make sense to me! I'm not the one to stick around and compete against other people. Love isn't supposed to be a competition / a game so why the fuck would I bother wasting my time knowing that I'm competing for a spot that I don't even wanna be in. I'm sorry but if anyone was childish it was you, because how the hell are you going to twist that shit on me? It just doesn't make any sense to play me out as the bad guy when I didn't do any wrong to you!

You just really made me not want to ever put my trust in anyone ever again. I don't know the meaning of love right now because you played mind games with me this whole time so now when it comes to love it's just all second-guessing and overthinking on shit that shouldn't even matter! But it's fine I'm better off alone anyways. I hate the thought of people anyways so if anything nothing has really changed with me personally other than knowing I made a mistake in letting you back into my life and having you play with my head and feelings which fucking sucks because I really gave it my all to treat you right and made sure not to stir up any bad blood with you but I guess it just wasn't enough! I wish there was something I could do to drain the feelings that I'm feeling but I guess I'll just wait and let time do its thing. I'm just really tired of you putting all the blame on me and talking shit about me making me out to be the bad guy to all your stupid lil friends when I did nothing wrong!!