Blog Post 180

I'm Sorry

I can’t believe I’m having to explain myself for the things I did when everyone around me already knows the reasons for my doings. But shit here we are doing the same shit over and over just because I failed to give it my all when my all was already being drained to the max by somebody who never cared to appreciate all good I was doing. They only saw me as an object they could manipulate and use to their liking, which fucking hurt but honestly I never expected anything less from them so it’s whatever!

I feel like giving it my all to someone is just a waste of time so I tend to detach and stop acknowledging them all together. Not saying I’m completely avoiding them, I’m just saying I keep my distance and I don’t exactly let them into my personal life or really open up about anything that’s personal to me. I’m not hiding things from them I’m just choosing not to be open with my personal life. There are certain parts of my life I don’t want people to know about nor do I care to show it. I don’t want or need someone coming into my life and telling me I can’t do this or that when I’ve already been doing it for years. That’s my biggest fear right now with getting close to someone. I can’t say who or when this happened or if it has happened I’m just saying in general I don’t care to deal with people who tell me I can’t do something, especially when I’ve already been doing it for years and they just found out about it!

It’s almost as if they get high off telling others what they can and can’t do. Which really doesn’t sit too well with me since I hate authority. So me being the person that I am, I usually just continue doing what I’ve been doing and ignoring all the shit they're saying because who the fuck are they to tell me what I can and can’t do with the shit I bought with my own money? I’m sorry but did you pay for the things I have? Do you pay my bills? Do you contribute to anything that I currently own? No?!! Okay then so why the fuck are you still bothering me with your delusional ass thoughts for?

It’s almost as if these people prey upon others just to see how much they can get but little do they know they’re just going to end up wasting their time when it comes to me. I swerve and dodge conversations like it’s my job! I don’t care to talk to people I haven’t known for 5+ years. If you’re a stranger to me then you’re going to stay that way. I don’t care to be bothered by others right now! I’m in such a good head space right now that I don’t care to acknowledge anyone or anything that’s not benefitting me. I’m not trying to be rude but I will be selfish for my own well-being! I’ve been doing some reading and research on just about everything when it comes to avoiding people and knowing how to put myself first before others and the first step was basically just to start saying no and not worrying about the aftermath.

I’m not the type to care that much about others and their feelings to begin with so me saying no isn’t that much of an issue it’s just who is the person that I’m saying no to? Is it a close friend/family member or are they just a user & abuser? That’s my only setback with saying no, because I be damned if I tell a close friend/family member no but a user and abuser oh for sure… They’re getting a hell no out me day and night I don’t care what their needs are!

I just feel like I’ve been way too nice lately and for what reason I don’t know. But I’m high key sick of it! So I went ahead and decided to just stop being nice and started doing what I needed to do for my own self care and for my own respect. I’m not looking for validations from others. I don’t even care to seek out attention from anyone when I already know I’m better off on my own and just basically staying silent in the middle of all the chaos that goes on! The chaos will always stay loud but me being quiet and moving along as if nothing is worth my time is where my peace comes in!

I don’t care to pay attention to others since I’m not a people person anyway. I find people to be just as annoying as sirens. I don’t know why but people have never been my cup of tea! I mean I have friends and people I tend to associate with here and there but just people out and about trying to talk to me while I’m in a dissociation state of mind just doesn’t make sense to me. Also why the hell are you even approaching me to begin with? I don’t know you and I sure as hell don’t care to know you!! It just never made sense to me as to why people approach me as if they have something that’s worth my time… the only thing they’re doing is wasting my time by getting in my way and trying to talk to me about some nonsense!!

I don’t know maybe I’m just so used to being on my own that when people get close to me or seem to be too friendly It honestly just makes me wonder what their intentions really are. Cause I’m not the type who can just open up like a flick of a switch. No, it literally takes me months to a year just to get comfortable with you and then after that, I can start being myself around you. Because in my head everyone I meet is just temporary until someone new comes along. I’m not saying that to be rude or mean but it’s just how my life is set up…How else would I be able to know so many people? It’s because I’m social when I need to be and distant when I need to move on and find something better. It’s not that hard to understand!!

I just focus primarily on myself 99.9% of the time and the rest just falls into place really. I still haven’t figured out how to keep a steady relationship because I still get bored with just about everyone I come in contact with. Which high key sucks but also doesn’t in a way… it’s hard to explain but it’s also not if you look at it from an introvert's perspective. Let's just say I like having my down time, space, and freedom to just do what I want when I want. It’s not like I’m against dating it’s just I’m not trying to have restrictions in my life! People, who end up restricting certain things I do are the first to go because why the fuck are you trying to control someone for? I’m not a slave / yours so don’t try and claim me unless we’re like in a relationship as a coupe maybe then but as friends and just in the talking stage? Yeah  NO!!!

I’m sorry for making people feel like I want them as a partner but I really just want the quality time and the connection with them. I’m not really looking for a relationship, to be honest. I just wish things could be the same and maybe last a lot longer but like I said people are just temporary so I have to end up making the most of it with the time given even if it is just a 2-4 week thing.