Blog Post 183

Walking Away

I took the time to sit back and observe every little thing that came my way just to find out I don’t need to be entertained by any of it! I like my private and unknown life! I don’t care much about meeting new people in these so-called social hangouts. For things to go well at these social gatherings you have to end up being social, but for someone like me who’s antisocial and only speaks to those I know and care about being out at these social gatherings made it really hard to open up and be myself. I felt as if I opened up to these people they would automatically hate me for the things I enjoy, and I understand that mindset isn’t a good one but that’s just how I think when it comes to meeting new people.

I don’t care to open up about anything I do or like when meeting new people. I just let them do all the talking while I take in all that information and process it to find out if they’re worth my time or not. Sometimes people have my interest and sometimes they don’t it really just depends on who they are. I tend to keep to myself and do everything independently for the most part. So if you’re someone who relies heavily on others there’s a chance we won’t get along, because in my head it shows that you can’t be on your own or care to figure things out on your own so you call others up to fix your problems. Which is fine but I don’t care to fix other people’s problems especially if it has nothing to do with me!

I’m not a people pleaser or a people person, to begin with. I’m only social when I have to be and I’m only comfortable being around a handful of people. Everywhere else I’ll usually just avoid human contact as much as possible when I’m out and about. I don’t need to talk to anyone or care to be entertained by anyone in a public setting, It’s not for me. I like my space and distance from others. I don’t need to go out and look for people to talk to when everyone I already talk to understands where I’m coming from and can handle my sporadic emotions when they do appear out of the blue.

I don’t like having people lingering around me for more than a few minutes because of how easily I can end up getting bored or just simply tired of the idea of having you around or being with you. It’s nothing personal to you it’s just I like being alone sometimes a little too much to the point where that’s all I know how to do. Once I get bored or tired of something or someone I’ll go and do something else or go someplace that doesn’t have that same toxic and draining vibe that I was just in. I like being on my own and being able to freely move in and out of place when I need to without others asking where I’m at or why I left. It’s nobody’s business as to what I do with my personal time or daily routine. I don’t need you to follow or tag along when you’re just gonna end up getting bored of the quietness and random doings that I do.

I’m not out doing my thing to meet new people or make something happen. I’m doing it to clear my head and the toxic thoughts I have so I can focus on what’s next to come. I have so many unsaid feelings that I end up taking days to weeks to just acknowledge what I feel and letting it all go. It’s not healthy for me to keep all my unsaid feelings all bundled up and up for grabs. I have days where I don’t say anything because I’m focusing on letting go of things that I know I shouldn’t but have to for my own good. I hate letting people go but sometimes it’s for the best even if they were the best thing that ever entered my life. It hurts knowing I let all of my past memories die but if I can make new memories with someone better then I’ll let it happen again. I don’t need to be fixated on shit that’s no longer relevant to me or my life. It’s a waste of time and energy.

I want just to keep moving on from others and leaving everyone I ever met in my past and not look back. I’m tired of having to let people back in just so they can show me all the reasons as to why I should’ve left them where they were. I hate second-guessing shit and overthinking about things that don’t even matter. It’s really toxic for my mental health and I’m not trying to risk my mental health again over somebody I don’t even care to talk to or be seen associated with. I’m tired of putting the time and energy into something that doesn’t benefit me in the long run. I don’t care to be put in temporary positions with others because it’s a waste of time for everyone involved. Simply just leave me alone and don’t invite me to anything that’s going on.  Just act as if I don’t exist or basically dead for all I care.