Blog Post 184

Please Don't Pretend

I think it's better if we just stop crossing paths with one another. It's not because I hate you or dislike you in any way, shape, or form. I just personally think I outgrew you and what I once felt for you. I noticed I was only holding on to you because you were my first and I wanted that connection to stay and have something to talk about only to realize it doesn't matter if you were my first, second or last. If you caused damage to my health or made me feel uncertain about myself then I only have one choice to make and that's to let you go and move on from it all. Which sucks because I really wished we could still be friends somehow but me being a friend of yours will never work. We're two separate people with two completely different lifestyles and I just don't care to be open about what I do and where I'm at all the time.

I'm not saying my privacy is more important than others. I'm just saying I don't put myself out there in the sense of hey, look what I'm up to knowing damn well people do not give a fuck as to what I do. I know that might be a hard pill to swallow for some people but it's honestly the truth. I've been off social media for a while now and I haven't really received any sort of text or call about my whereabouts probably because I changed my number once again and just didn't bother backing up any of my contacts. I don't know why but there's a part of me that really enjoys not having contact with the outside world. It's pretty relaxing in a way. It's kind of hard to explain the sense of relief of not being able to talk to the outside world to someone who enjoys talking to people on a daily but for someone like me who couldn't give a fuck about someone and their doings it's pretty relaxing, to be honest. I don't know maybe I'm just not meant to interact with the outside world cause every time I do some stupid shit always seems to happen and the funny thing is I don't even do anything but just sit back and watch. But yet I still find myself in the middle of all the bullshit that's going on around me.

I noticed myself putting less and less time and energy towards people as the days go by only to realize that people really do not care if you talk to them or not. They only care about the attention someone gives to them. So when I stopped giving people around me the attention I once gave them to they started asking if I was okay and if I was mad at them? Which is fine but why do they always have to make it about them? You see my point and where I'm going with it! It's like I can't even feel a certain way without someone thinking it's about them. It's like our own feelings don't even belong to us anymore. It's almost as if I'm not allowed to feel something on my own without someone else being involved or knowing about it which really pisses me off because I'm someone who tends to feel a lot all at once or nothing at all depending on the thoughts that are going on in my head and everything I'm going through.

So yes, I have my ups and downs but don't be around my downs and start asking me questions about what's wrong because here's the thing, I already know you don't care about my downs, you're only trying to make your way into my feelings to exploit them for your own use and make an example as to why I shouldn't open up to people about how I'm actually feeling. I learned that the hard way at a young age and I had to grow up suppressing all of my feelings because of this and only this reason. It's not fair for you to ask about someone's personal feelings/emotions or whatever it may be that they're going through just to exploit them for your own desire. I don't care if you're trying to help because what exactly are you trying to help with? I only see it as a way in for you to cause more damage than healing. But that's just me. So that's why I'll never be open up to talk about the way I really feel instead I just hide it and move along as if what I feel doesn't matter and isn't important to me or anyone else.

I stopped feeling things back in 8th grade after all the trauma occurred and I think that's why it's been so hard for me to open up about what it is I actually feel and when I feel it. My feelings come and go just as they would for any other person on this planet but with my feelings, they're mixed with anger and depression in a way. So it's really hard for me to figure out how I'm actually feeling because sometimes I'm happy but angry at the same and other days I'm sad but annoyed at the same time so it's just two random feelings colliding as one and it's hard to keep track of what I'm really feeling. So when people ask how I'm feeling I just tell them the same ole same ole because I feel like my feelings never really change. I wake up and feel the same shit as I felt the previous day so it's not like I'm choosing to feel this or that, it's just the feelings I have just show up and I have to decide if I want them to stay or not. Sometimes I just ignore the thought of having feelings altogether and end up feeling happier but then there are days when I choose to just be alone and not talk to anyone and I still feel happy as if this is a normal thing to do and feel So it's really hard to say If I like having feelings or not right now.

I just know what I feel and show are two different things because my actions and feelings never line up with one another and I'm trying my best to get those two to sync but they just won't. Which is fine since I don't deal with people that often but sometimes when I do they always mention something about those two and how they never line up with one another and I kind of just accept it and move on. Only because I already know that and I don't really care to explain it to them the reasoning behind it. I don't care to explain a lot of things, to be honest. It's nobody's business for the way I act or do things. It's just my feelings doing all the talking and I'm just going along with it no matter who gets hurt in the process of getting shit done.