Blog Post 185

I Don't Need You

I’ve been quiet these past few months just so I could focus on myself and the things that used to make me happy without any distractions and I realized the fewer people I talk to and associate the happier I am. I understand I’m a lone wolf and do just fine entertaining myself with activities that don’t require others to tag along. I enjoy being on my own and just having time to collect all my thoughts in peace and erase everything that’s not worth my time. I ended up doing like a life cleanse and just got rid of everyone almost just because I saw no use in them. I’m not trying to be rude or anything in that area. I just settled with reality and realized people don’t mean anything to me. So why not cut them off and stop worrying about this or that. When it’s clearly unhealthy for me to be associated with just everyone I come in contact with, apparently I’m a disaster waiting to happen so why bother?

I don’t feel the need to be social or exist online or in real-life situations. I just kind of started existing for myself and only for myself. I stopped saying yes to everyone and just ignored them completely. Which is kind of rude but at the same time I need to put myself first therefore it’s really not that rude if you think of it. I needed to come to terms that not everyone deserves first, second, or even third chances. I’ve completely shut myself off from the outside world and only focus on the current situations and what needs to be done. I’m not thinking ahead or making plans to do anything anymore. I’m just done with a lot of shit that doesn’t even phase me anymore. I ended up cutting ties with people I’ve known for 10+ years just because we no longer talked or bothered with making plans with one another. I’m probably taking this whole cleansing thing a lil too far but my thing is why slack off when I can just go all in on it and be done with it for good and not second guess any of it?! Seems to make more sense that way, but that’s just me!

I’m noticing myself zoning out while others are talking to me because I don’t find them important to me or adding any kind of value to my life. I don’t bother saying hi or asking small talk questions to anyone anymore only because I don’t find it relevant/useful to my day. I’m just here to do my thing and leave. I don’t care to talk about my personal life because that’s my personal life, not yours or anyone else’s. I’m learning how to just be fully independent and only worry about myself at all times. I’m not caring for other people’s problems or drama because that’s not my life. I keep quiet and carry on as if things are fine. I can only control my doing and sometimes I don’t even bother controlling it only because I feel like I need to let shit out and have things be how they really are. I’m not trying to hide or put on an act of how I really feel towards people because it’s pretty obvious how I really feel towards others. I don’t hate them but I also don’t like them. I just simply don’t care what you are or what it is you do, as long as I’m not part of your life I’ve got no issues with you. Oh yeah, I ended up withdrawing from just about everyone’s life. I didn’t see the point in keeping in touch or contact with anyone so I walked away. 

I’m not saying I did it because they were no good for me, I did it because I know deep down inside I’ll never be good enough for others or somebody who ends up getting close to me. So why would I bother pretending like I’m happy to be around them when I know for a fact I’m dragging them down and they only keep me around to make sure I’m doing okay and not trying to kill myself. Which is fine but still why not just tell me and leave me alone. I have very different feelings and perspectives on people staying by my side because I can’t tell if they’re actually trying to help or just wanting to see me break. It sucks not knowing and I’m okay with that because there’s nobody around at the end of the day to talk to anyways. So I’m okay with just about everything that happens to me. Am I upset with the majority of it? Sometimes! Do I care to talk about the shit that happens to me? No, not really! Do I keep everything bottled up until it overflows? Most definitely. Do I bother cleaning up the mess I made? Nope. I just let it sink in and wait for another day to pass by. 

I basically don’t care to overreact or acknowledge anything that happens to me is basically all I’m saying. Things happen for a reason and I’m just accepting them as fate and going with it. I’m no longer gonna ask why or how. Just gonna let it be what it is and move on. I can’t undo what’s already been done. Things happen for a reason. We can either choose to learn and grow from it or we can choose to let it tear us apart from the inside out until there’s nothing left, and I just choose to move on from things as quickly as possible without the guilt weighing me down. If me walking away upsets you then let it. I made my choice and you chose to let it upset you when you could’ve just chosen to ignore me and moved on with your life. It’s not that deep! You don’t always have to hold on to someone. You can always let them go and if they choose to come back then that’s their decision, not yours!

People will always have second thoughts after leaving/walking away from something or somebody it’s just part of human nature. But don’t let that person who walked away keep the burden on their shoulder not knowing what could’ve been if they stayed. Just explain your needs and wants and if they feel the same way then why not just hold onto what you have? You have all these memories and feelings for this one particular person that you love and care deeply about that you’d do anything to see them happy but instead you overthink if you’re worth their time? It’s pretty clear that you’re worth their time if they’re keeping eye contact with you and can hold a conversation for hours. I don’t understand why you always have to second guess your doings. Just let loose and do what feels right. If you truly love them then tell them! I’d just hate to see you get hurt again by your thoughts.