Blog Post 186

I Miss You, Even Though You Always Find a Way to Hurt Me

I never got the closure or anything relating to letting go the proper way. You kind of just pushed me away day by day as if I meant nothing. I hated it so much that I felt like I did something wrong just to find out it was your way of letting go. I should've seen it sooner but I just kept holding on thinking it would make you realize how much I wanted you to stay. But I guess I was wrong. It's just a shame I never really saw the things you were doing was a way for you to end things. I was still trying to do my part as a friend and be there for you whenever you needed me. But it's clear to me that my presence and existence were never needed. I was just a stand-by until you found yourself and someone better to help you with your dirty work.

I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself for playing part in your game. I should've just called it a night after you ended up coming over. But I wanted more and I couldn't help myself to fall short in playing into your needs. I ended up changing myself just for you to not hate me and see me as someone you could rely on and trust, but you never saw that in me which hurt. I only wanted the best for you and what we could've had. But you were never there for me and I didn't expect you to be. I just wanted to be able to consider you as a friend but you being a friend of mine was never your intention and I'm still not sure what your intentions with me really were to this day and I'm kind of upset. I guess that's just something I'll have to wait and figure out when the timing is right.

I just hope we never have to keep reliving the past to get things right. I just want things to stay how they are and just not exist in each other's life. I want the best for you but from a distance. I don't want you back or care to talk to you since there's nothing left to say on my end. I just think the day I said I was fine and ended up walking away was the day I knew it was over for us completely and I can't go back to that day and make changes, because I see no wrong in what I did. I came to terms with everything and ended up finding something better and less draining. I'm tired of having to get close to people I care about just for them to hurt me in the process of caring. Makes me feel like I made a mistake for caring and showing how much love and trust I had for them on my end.

You made me have self-doubt with just about everything I ended up doing and said and I couldn't keep it hidden so I ended up pushing others away so they didn't ask questions. I ended up doing a lot of shitty shit just to please you. I wish I could go back and change my doings but I can't because I did all of that so we could have something to talk about but turns out that's not what you enjoy, to begin with. You just enjoy using people for your own personal needs and I'm not okay with that. If I could expose you for the person you really are I would but I'd get nothing out of it other than more regret. I just wish I could talk to you one last time before it's too late.

I honestly hate how good you made me feel just to realize it was all for show and nothing more. I should've picked up on it the moment you stepped foot into my place. But I was too caught up in making things right that I lost sight of what was really happening. But now that's all done and over with I can finally have room to breathe and process everything that went down. I realized that someone such as yourself can never be trusted or forgiven and I tried so hard to make an exception for you but my heart and mind wouldn't allow it. I had to come to terms with never speaking to you or allowing you to see me even though I'm just grabbing a bite to eat. I can't make my way to acknowledge you or anything you do anymore.

I don't see you as a friend or enemy I see you as a complete stranger and strangers are not my cup of tea so please just respect the space I'm allowing myself from you. Don't bother making your way back into my life because I won't allow you to enter ever again. You had your chance and you fucked it all up and it's over for you! There's nothing you can say or do to give you access back into my life or even consider you as anything other than someone from my past who I no longer associate with. It sucks for me because I really wanted to have you as a friend but the chemistry between us two isn't there and I think once you come to terms with it like I did I think you'd understand why things went down the way they did.

I just hope you're happy and find someone that you can be at peace with because you clearly need it more than I do. I wish I could help you find what you're looking for but you're no longer a priority for me so figure it out on your own and leave me alone like how you've been doing since you clearly seem to have it all figured out. So let me take this time to disappear from your life and your surrounding and just focus on my own life without getting caught up or sidetracked in your doings. I just feel like the less I exist around you the better off I am.