Blog Post 187

Back to the Gates of Hell, I Go

For those that are about to get hurt these next few weeks, I apologize in advance, but I can't keep living a lie when I already know certain things need to stop before it's too late. I don't care about how you see me as a person or care for your opinion on the shit I do. I do everything for a reason and when people restrict me from doing what needs to be done I tend to cut them off because who are you to tell me what I should do when you aren't even the victim in the situation? You were just a standby looking for a way to be involved somehow. This makes no sense to me because why would you want my problems and life trauma just to end up having a relapse every few months over things you can't control? Use some common sense and just think about what's actually happening before giving your two cents.

I have these feelings and questions that don't add up to my life doings, such as why am I falling for someone I don't even like? Why did I bother giving my time to someone who didn't even acknowledge all the good I did for them. Why did I end up going through hell at such a young age just to end up being the bad guy in everybody's eyes? I never deserved any of the things that happened to me at that age and yet people still put the blame on me as if I wanted that to happen. I have severe trust issues due to my upbringing and having these people who I thought were supposed to be there for me didn't show up at all it just made me question all the things I was taught about trust and love at a young age. Does any of it even exist or is it just something we have to play into our heads for it to seem real? I feel like certain feelings aren't playing their part and I wish they would because it would make things a lot easier for me.

I've been on my own and distant from everyone I've ever come in contact with because I let my emotions get the best of me and things end up going to shit. So I no longer bother getting attached or play the nice guy for anyone. I let them see the real me and then vanish. I don't care to hang around and be another mistake for others. I just do my own thing without a care in the world even if my distancing is offending them or making them feel some type of way. I'd rather keep my distance from others than be another mistake in someone else's life. I've been a mistake since birth and it's just annoying how nothing ever seems to go right when it comes to me being a part of someone else's life. I feel like I'm a burden to everyone around me. I prefer to just burn all bridges with everyone that I meet and not bother being around them. I hate the thought of having to exist for others. I just wanna exist for myself and myself only. I don't care if they don't hear from me ever again, I'm fine being alone and not being involved in someone else's life. I don't care to keep up with anyone's life. I only care about my current situation and how I'm gonna get through it. That's really it.

I can be very anti-social and extremely distant to those who did me wrong and I don't care to explain the things they did to upset me because they should've known better than to say or do what they did. I let them figure it out for themselves and leave them be. I'm no longer putting my time or energy into something that's toxic. You finally showed your true self and to be honest you should've kept it hidden because your real self is a mess and it needs help. I don't mean to be rude or whatever but if you really are the person that you showed me then you shouldn't be dealing with love or anyone, to begin with. You caused damage to my mindset on what love is supposed to be and I'm not okay with it. I should've just let the demon side of me out and gave you a taste of your own medicine but then you would've gone and played victim as per usual and I just didn't care to play into it. So I let you do you while I ended up slowly withdrawing from you and finally ended up walking away from it all.