Blog Post 188

There's Nothing Left to Feel

I followed all the rules and let things go about their way just to not cause problems only to realize I was the problem all along. I pushed people away and left them alone thinking it would help but it just came back to haunt me in the end. I had people reaching out thinking something went wrong when the only wrongdoing was my existence in their life. I had to just sit back and wait until it was my turn to speak only to never actually speak but to just observe all the things that were wrong. I pretended that everything was fine just to seem normal and have fewer questions be asked when it came to my life. I didn't let anybody get close to me because I knew they'd just end up getting hurt and I couldn't let that guilt be put on me when I told them to leave me alone from the beginning but they chose not to.

Got this reel of all of my past mistakes just stuck on replay making it harder for me to get close to someone. I can't keep reliving those moments so I end up being antisocial and just nonexistent in other's presence. I'm a ghost to just about everyone I know nowadays. Not because I have a problem with them, I just do it so I don't end up making any more mistakes. I can barely fix the mistakes I made last week and if any more keep happening I'm gonna end up having another relapse probably. I tend to stay neutral about how I feel knowing I don't even know what to feel half the time. So I just go to my goto feeling which is fine where I'm not fine on the inside but fine on the outside. It's the only feeling and mood I can really fake the best, all my other feelings I can't fake as well. I try but they can see right through me when I try to fake my other feelings.

I have nothing left to lose so why do I even still bother acting as if I have anything to feel anyways? If I don't want to feel anything then just let me do that. If I want to feel happy, mad, sad, or neutral then fucking let me. Don't stand around me telling me I can't feel this or that when that's all I want to feel. I can't help the way I feel even if I let my emotions get the best of me sometimes, things just happen and I need to express those things through either rage or sadness depending on the situation. I have days where all I wanna do is cry but then I'm told that's weak of me so I turn that sadness into anger and lash out on those who did me wrong just for them to ask am I okay and there was no need for all that.

I'm sick and drained of all these back-and-forth bullshit feeling talks. Just leave me alone to feel what I want to feel. You have no say in what I should feel when you haven't gone through the same trauma or situations as me. Just back off and let me live and feel how I want. I don't care to be open about my feelings knowing nobody cares about feelings they only care about my weaknesses and how to break me so I tend to not show any sort of feeling even if I am just out and enjoying life. I never show any sort of feelings due to my upbringing because people saw me happy one minute and ended up breaking my happiness making me angry and then they turned my anger into a game and it just made me cry only to realize I wanted my revenge with violence towards them. That's why I no longer care to show any sort of feeling or emotion towards anything I do or say when it comes to people or just things in general.

I'm done showing feelings that aren't relevant to my current situation. If I'm mad or angry I'm showing it, I'm not gonna act or say it's fine when I know it's not. I feel the need to let these people know who do me wrong on a daily that the shit they do needs to stop or I'm stopping it altogether. I'm done having people take advantage of me knowing I could do so much harm to them in just a matter of seconds only to feel nothing at the end. I just think my old self is coming the into light and honestly, I think I'm going to just let it out and have it take over for a while because it's clear to me people think I won't take matters into my own hands because I have an image to obtain when that image I gave myself is just a persona so people will leave me alone.