Blog Post 189

Loving You with My Eyes Closed

I love how happy you make me feel even if it's just for a short period of time. I have trouble finding happiness in a world full of fakes and untrustworthy people, but for some reason when I look at you all that seems to fade. My friends think I'm delusional for thinking someone like yourself could be the one to make me happy but I don't think I am. We have the history and the chemistry so why would it would be so hard? If it's there then let it show instead of hiding it like it's not there. 

I see you out and about even when I'm doing my best to ignore all signs of your existence but sometimes I end up getting a glance at you and I just stop and admire everything about you from head to toe. I find you to be everything I ever need just to snap back to reality knowing I can't put myself through the process of getting my heart broken again. So I just look away as if you're just my imagination and not really there. I feel like me physically approaching you would cause some sort of negativity and I'm just not trying to upset you and be a burden in anyone's life such as yourself anymore.

I ended up loving you in the past and it took me to the breaking point of no return so I gave up on the thought of loving you, just to find my way back to you so I could figure out how to properly love someone like yourself. I ended up getting a second shot just to see the different ways you show love and what your way of love involved and it's so different from the way I was taught and I ended up having to adjust to it just so I could be the one you needed only to find out later down the line it's not what I needed. I needed someone genuine and caring but you had none of that in you and I couldn't tell if it was because of something from your childhood or if you just never cared to be that person even though I was.

I could see the hurt in your eyes thinking you wanted to let go of it but you only pushed me further away every time I'd ask about it. So I stopped asking and just ended up suffering because I wasn't able to help you the way I help others that I care about and that's what made me become distant from it all. I didn't see the point of my existence in your life if I wasn't able to give you the closure you deserved even though I promised myself I wouldn't be the one to help with closures anymore. I wanted to be there for you so bad but I knew I had to let go because the pain was starting to come to light and I just didn't want you to be the reason behind the pain that was being shown. I wanted to take all the steps back that I could so I didn't end up hurting you from all the previous feelings that never saw the day of light.

When it comes to you I feel very vulnerable and happy at the same time. I let things be the way they are between us even if it is bad and good just so I don't end up losing you. I let things go back and forth so things don't change between us two and as much as I would like for things to change I don't think it'll ever be any different from what we already have/had. I want you in my life so much I do the unthinkable every time it comes to you. I let you have your ways and keep quiet through it all. I don't know why I always feel the need to hold on to certain things that aren't good for me but I guess the rule with me is if you can make me happy or smile just in general then I see no point in letting things go over others opinions even when the things they say all makes sense.