Blog Post 190

I'm Sorry For Loving You

It hurts knowing I had to let you go to better myself from all the things that were wrong with me. I ended up being so distant that I didn't recognize anyone around me or myself whenever I saw my reflection. I cried on different occasions over things that mattered to me but never seemed to phase you and it hurt knowing that all the promises I made to keep were being broken as time went by. I tried my best to keep in contact with you but I never saw the point of reaching out because I knew if I ended up reaching out you would've questioned it and made me out to be the bad guy, and I just couldn't live with that. I cut myself out of your life thinking it would be better for you only to realize I ended up hurting you to the point where you no longer even look my way.

I wish I could hold you one last time and apologize for all my doings and just be able to cry in your arms knowing you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. But it'll never be like that when everything was all my fault and with you already moving on I couldn't bother putting myself to ask you anymore questions. I only ask if you're finally happy and if I'm able to let you go for good knowing you no longer need me. I understand that question is hard to answer but with everything that's happened so far I think it's clear what the answer is and if you're happy then I'm happy for you. I don't hate you for moving on I only hate myself for not doing the same. I wanted the best for you even though it was never going to be with me. I only wish it could be because you were my first and you made everything so easy that nothing else really got in the way of what I wanted when I already had everything I ever wanted when I was next to you.

I wish I had more time to talk to you but time is never on my side and I'm okay with that because sooner or later I'll see you being happy knowing I made the right decision by letting go and letting you be something special to someone else who loves you and supports you for you. I've learned so much and with you being around I finally learned how to love someone even if I have to let them go in the end. I realized loving you was never the challenge it was learning how to let go and forgive and you taught me how to do that only to realize I never want to be in that position of having to let go of those I care for and love. You're the only person I ever kept going back to because I felt safe every time you were around or near me and I didn't want to lose that comfort I had with you. I wanted you to be the first person I said a word to in the morning and the last person to talk to before bed. I wanted so much for you and us in general that I would end up crying late at night knowing I can never have that. 

I wish you could see how much I care about you and all the respect I have for you. I feel the need to always be around you even though I distance myself from you so I don't seem needy or desperate for your attention. I stop communicating with you because I have thoughts that I'm a burden to you and just simply bothering you just by texting you, so I stay silent and wait for your text even if it is only late at night. I love the way we touch and the way I get lost in your eyes every time I look at you. I feel safer around you more than I do with my own family. I just wish things didn't have to end and the history that we have could be erased and I could reintroduce myself as the real me and not the person everyone wants me to be.

I just hope one day I can talk to you face to face and tell you how well I'm doing and not just say I'm fine and shy away from everything we've been through. It hurts knowing certain people come and go but those who matter will always be there and for someone like you to stay and tell me how much I mean to you really puts me in a state of mind where I know things will be okay even if it is just temporary. I just never want to let you go even though sometimes that's my only option so I don't end up hurting you.