Blog Post 191

I Don't Think I Have it in Me to Bother with You or Anyone Else's Existence

I've been isolating myself from everyone lately because every time I say or think of something I'm always having to remember the pain that I cause from my doings. So If I don't say or do anything then there's nobody I can hurt or be a burden to. I no longer pay attention to anyone anymore and I'm not doing it to be rude, I'm doing it because I know deep down inside I don't matter to them, and when you don't matter to someone you care and love you don't see the point in putting the time and effort into them and it fucking hurts because there's nothing you can say or do that will change how they feel about you because their mind is already made. So if I seem distant and nonchalant from here on out I'm sorry! I realized that my existence is no longer worth anyone's time so I disappear and end up ghosting so those around me and those closest to me don't have to feel ashamed of being around me.

I've been running out of reasons to give a fuck about my own life and all the good I've done for others just to feel something. I don't do it for myself I do it for them because I know they'll never do it for me and I don't expect them to! I only do it because deep down inside I know all the right things to do and say I just simply don't do those things because I know I'll be looked down on because apparently, it's not part of my image or whatever I was made to be when in reality the image given to me was never mine, to begin with! I went through so much that every piece of my heart was broken and replaced with rage, trauma, guilt, and loneliness and that's why the things I do, don't bother me! I had to come to the realization that everything happens for a reason and you can either learn from it or let it get the best of you!

I don't bother asking others to stay in my life! I let people come and go as they please because sooner or later I'm going to leave for good and there won't be anyone to greet them at the door! I don't plan on making things work with anyone I get close to anymore because I already know they're going to leave 3months out! So I don't bother getting attached or care to show the real me! I'm always scared of showing the real me to people who come into my life because it's just going to be another life lesson for me as to why I shouldn't bother putting my all into someone. I wish I could put my all into someone I truly cared about but I just don't allow it to happen. I end up hating them for making me feel things I'm not wanting to feel or not ready to feel and then I end up crying because I let my emotions get the best of me.