Blog Post 192

Don't Bother Remembering Me

Every time I think of you I get flashbacks of all the things that could've been only to realize it'll never be. I hate how I'm still obsessing over things that should've worked but didn't. I keep trying my best to not fuck up only to drown in tears because sooner or later I'm going to fuck it all up like before and have you see me as a failure once again, and I just can't live a life where you see me as a failure. I've been a failure with just about everything that comes my way when it involves you and I'm so confused as to why things never end up going right between you and me. I keep finding ways to move on from everything that's happened between us two only to sit back and have it all hit at once like a wave and there's nothing I can do to stop it from happening. I let myself drown in the waves of pain and trauma just to cope with all the shit that's happened. It's like a gateway to hell for me to ease the pain that I was given to deal with.

I get stuck in my head trying to sort out all the unsaid thoughts just so I don't end up overthinking bout all the little things. But it's hard when you're on my mind 24/7 days in and days out. I can't let go of the memories I made with you even though I want to so bad. I just don't see the need to let all that go just yet when there's a part of me that still see's something in you and I'm not sure what that thing is but I know every time I look at you I end up getting butterflies and every time we talk I end up smiling only to realize it's all just an act on your part and I wish it wasn't. I really enjoy talking and being around you despite all the shit I put you through. I just want things to be real and not so forced between us two. I keep my distance and my communication skills to a minimum because I feel like if I overstep then shit is bound to end and I really don't wanna bother going back to the beginning with you. I like the bond we have now and if it gets disrupted in any sort of way I don't think I'll have it in me to rebuild it.

I feel like there's a need for your existence in my life but I haven't quite figured it out yet which is high-key killing me because I don't wanna say or do something that's not meant to be done. I enjoy your existence in my life but I have days where I end up getting so attached that it fucking hurts and on the other days I feel so lost and incomplete without you being in my life so I reach out and make sure we're still cool with one another only to find out you're just busy. I get so fixated on you that I lose sight of my own life sometimes and it's fine but sometimes I just feel like I'm a bother to be around and you don't really see the need for me. 

I let the overthinking happen and it just goes all to shit from there and I know you tell me to stop but I can't. I care so much about you that I feel lost when I'm not able to talk to you. I let myself become so attached that if I detach from you I'm afraid I'll end up going through the numbing phase and lose all hope in love and the meaning of what it means to be there for someone you care about. I'm scared of the outcomes that come down the line of being attached. So if I remove myself once I understand the feelings that I have for you I think it'll be all good but until then I'm sticking by your side through hell and back until there's nothing left of me.

I just wish I could tell you all the things I feel when it comes to you but that just seems a bit too much. So I only end up telling you how I feel when you ask because I know if tell you everything I feel like you're just going to leave and I don't want that to happen. I wanna be by your side til I die and if that means going distant here and there so we don't annoy one another then so be it. I wanna do whatever's best for you and what's right. I don't care for the fights or arguing because nothing good will come out of it. I'll only fight for you and only that. I'm not fighting to be physical with you, I'm just fighting to make things work and let things be how they're supposed to be. But if there's a day that I stop fighting and coming back to you then that's the day I know it's over for good, but so far I've been coming back every time to make things right so if I'm still doing that then there's definitely something worth fighting for when it comes to you and I hope it never ends.