Blog Post 194

I Guess Getting Hit By a Car Was All it Took

Some things are bound to happen unintentionally and intentionally and you just have to accept it and move on from it all. Nothing you can do or say can change the outcome of what happens. You can only learn from it and hope it doesn't happen again, and if it does happen again then it's a sign to just let it go and move on from it. Don't force it or try to figure out where you went wrong because the answers will always be the same and you won't be able to change it because it's already been done and said. So just move on. Don't bother changing yourself for someone who never saw the good in you, only change for yourself and yourself only. Don't stress about this and that knowing it'll all play out the way you wanted in the end. Just let that stress and nonsense go. Don't put others first that have no business being in your life or just those who don't care about you in general. Just focus on yourself and the things you enjoy. Don't bother proving any kind of point to anyone other than yourself because at the end of the day it's just you and your thoughts.

I'm glad I got hit by that car not because I was close to seeing the other side but because it helped me figure out the one thing I've been searching for since I first lost someone to an accidental death at a young age. I learned that even if you get hurt or severally injured people will never care enough to actually talk to you after the incident happened. They will just look at you like you were in the wrong and tell you, that you should've been watching where you were going. They go straight to the blame game and point fingers at whoever's at fault and never check up to see if things are okay and if I needed any sort of assistance. Luckily I didn't but it was just interesting experiencing the whole blame game for something that was out of my control. Yeah, I ended up being in the middle of the street with a broken longboard and a knee ready to pop out of socket but I got up and walked that shit off like it's happened before because I knew if I sat there and bitched out I would've been seen as weak and enabled and I will not have people look at me in that way. So when the guy yelled at me asking if I was okay I looked at him with a smile on my face and said yeah I'm fine! and walked back to work as if nothing happened.

I'm very much capable of getting back up and acting as if nothing happened because I learned to control my pain and feelings to such a high level of numbness that I can let just about anything happen to me and it won't bother me. I started laughing at the fact that I got hit by that car because I didn't know what else to do. I told my boss and coworkers and I just laughed as if getting hit by a car was a normal thing. I handle pain and injury's very differently from other people because I learned at a young age that people don't care about your life or the safety of your well being so to overcome it I basically had to build a brick wall around myself so no one or anything could break me. I had to learn when to fight and when to just walk away. Only because I knew me getting in fights wouldn't bother me. Yeah, I might get some scrapes and bruises but if I go and physically hit someone I had a problem with or just someone who didn't leave me alone I wouldn't have the capability to stop. That's why prefer to avoid a lot of bullshit and drama. I like being guarded and very well grounded on the shit I can and can't do even though there are times I want to just let it all go and take it out on someone.

I suppress a lot of my pain and feelings because I don't want to be a bother with how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling the way that I do because people don't really care about that sort of stuff. They only care about how they can use and manipulate someone to their needs and to their liking. Nothing more nothing less, and for someone who has a hard time seeing the bad in people I ignore all signs of manipulation and emotional abuse only because I just want them to be happy and my emotions don't really correspond with how I'm actually feeling, because the way I feel is unexplainable to the average human. I don't let my feelings get in the way of most of my doing because I can turn my feelings on and off when needed. It's something I've had to work on for the longest and I'm confident enough to say that my feelings are basically a light switch. But I'm the only one who can decide if I want my feelings to be involved or not. No one else or an idea can turn them on and off as they please. It's all up to me.

But anyways, I'm just glad it's finally all over and I can just get back to what needs to be done and not have to acknowledge this or that or put the blame on myself for the things that have happened. I never cared to see the point in putting the blame game on anyone. Sometimes in life, you just have to accept the shit that happens and call it what it is, and simply just move on and if that means laughing your way out of traumatic and dangerous situations like I do then so be it. Just don't let that one shitty situation wreck you from the inside out cause if you let it consume you I promise you, you won't make it out as the same person you once were.