Blog Post 195

He Can Have You!

Please don't take this the wrong way but the title basically says it all. I don't mean it in any way other than me just letting go of you and everything you've ever meant to me. I'm not trying to hold on to you or anything related to you. I'm simply just erasing you from my life and all the memories we made because it's clear to me that I was never good enough for you and I'm okay with that. Not everyone you meet is going to be useful or obligated to fit your needs. So thank you for giving me the chance to be myself but it's time for me to cut all ties and move on from everything that has happened.

I just think this life has a different meaning for me and I don't want to be held responsible for dragging you into my life knowing I'm just going to be a burden to you. So if I just let go of all the things we did and everything you meant to me then things will be much better for the both of us. I don't want to be the reason that you're up late at night questioning yourself for the things I did, knowing I could've prevented it from ever happening but chose to let it happen. I never meant for you to get hurt in the process I just thought that maybe certain things should stay the way that they were so things didn't get so complicated but it's too late for all that since it's already complicated once again.

I just don't wanna be the person that makes you cry and having you remember all the bad times you had before meeting someone like me. I wanted the best for you as I would for anyone else but I can't be the one to provide you the happiness that you deserve because I'm not the one you find happiness from. I'm someone you just go to for temporary comfort and advice and nothing more. I'm sorry for playing the part you needed but it's not me. It's killing me that I let it go on this long. I knew it was bound to end but not like this. I just wanted to make sure you were okay and didn't have to go through that pain ever again. But it looks like I already brought that pain back onto you without even knowing and I'm so sorry for doing so. If I knew what was happening sooner I would've never let myself step foot inside the door.

I ended up playing the part you needed way too well that I sometimes forgot what my purpose really was. I loved the feeling of being there for you whenever you needed but it's done and over with because if there's one thing that I know it's that I'm just gonna be another mistake in someone's life and I can't let that happen so me ending things before it got too personal felt like the right move. Even though I could tell by the sound of your voice it was the biggest mistake I could've made. I just thought that me walking away and letting you do you was the better route so nobody got hurt. 

I didn't say anything to you beforehand on what was going through my head because I knew you wouldn't have approved and would've tried to change your ways and I just didn't see the need for you to change. If there's anyone who needs to change it would be me. I just wanted the best for you and you being around me isn't what's best for you or anyone in your circle. So it's just easier to have things end and if time ever does decide that we were meant to be then it'll happen. But right now I just need to be on my own.

I hope you know that this isn't a goodbye or anything like that. It's just me giving you your space and the time you need to heal from everything you've been going through. I wish I could do more to help but it's clear I did enough damage as is and I just can't bother sticking around to watch you drown from all the things that went wrong between you and him. I thought that by me sticking around and being there for you, you would see how much more you have to offer but you chose to run back to him just to get your heart broken for a second time and that's when I knew my time was no longer needed. You said you were done with the past but yet you chose to go back to it only to find yourself broken and drained.

I just hope you find whatever it is you're looking for because I'm done fighting for you and trying to have hope for the both of us knowing it's all dead at this point. There's no point for me to keep coming back to you just for you to push me away because you can't control your feelings. I'll never beg or ask for forgiveness from you because I don't see the point in getting forgiveness for something I chose to end and move past from. I just really hope you get your prince charming one day but just know I won't be on the list of choices to pick from no matter how badly you want me to be on that list, I won't be the option you get to choose.