Blog Post 196

Back into the Deep End

Honestly, I just wanna disappear.

I'm not sure how else to explain my needs or wants other than just doing it myself and not mentioning it to anyone. I don't do handouts or anything in that area. So if I need something there's a chance I'm getting it no doubt about it. But certain shit needs to be forgotten and simply just erased from my life and the first thing to go is probably my socials. I don't even use my social media accounts other than to just keep a hold of the username and that's really it. The only app I really use on my phone is YouTube primarily and sometimes Snapchat but that's starting to annoy me with the new update and shit.

I understand I have people who need me for certain things but I'm bout to just say fuck it and go ghost. I noticed my snaps have been limited to 1-2 snaps a day and that's only because I don't even check the app first thing in the morning. I wake up and go straight to work. I don't know what's happened but I'm no longer using my phone for social media. It's basically just an mp3 player at this point. I just listen to music and look at all the text I need to delete from my phone and the missed calls are so annoying. Why are people calling me from a blocked number and from area codes out of state? My guy delete my number and go call someone who's in your city. The fuck you calling me for?

I don't know maybe I just hit a breaking point where everyone and everything is starting to piss me off. Which isn't new to me but god damn, chill out for a second and let me gather my thoughts. I have so many things going through my head that I end up getting migraines and feel light-headed and I'm just sick of it. If I could sleep for 3 days straight I would, but then someone close to me will think I overdosed or some shit and I just don't need anyone knocking at my door with a naloxone pen or a paramedic really. I don't know why but I feel like something is off and I just need to figure out what it is because everything feels so forced and irrelevant to me right now.

I stopped talking to people in the general public areas because I have nothing to say to anyone at this point. There's nothing worth talking about so I just ignore everyone and mind my business. I'm fine being left alone and being able to freely walk in and out of places without being stopped for small talk from somebody I don't care about anymore. It's uncomfortable and weird for me to stand there and have to pretend like I know the person when I can barely remember their name. It just doesn't make any sense to me that's all.

I just wish I didn't have to be seen in the public eye when I'm out and about because no matter what it is I'm doing there's always someone either in their car honking their horn trying to get my attention or just coming up to me and simply talking to me when it's very clear that I don't want to be approached or bothered. I just don't understand what it is about me that makes me seem approachable when I'm only focused on myself and myself only, and I don't want to be rude or anything it's just when I'm out and about I like to just have my alone time. It's when I do most of my thinking and planning and having someone randomly walk up to me is kind of annoying to me because I already know what they're gonna ask for and I don't really care enough to acknowledge their needs so I just ignore them because why the fuck did you think I was going to give you the time of day to talk to me to begin with? Go sit down the fuck?!

I'm not a people person nor a people pleaser. I can literally look at you with a blank stare and not give a fuck about your existence while you're talking to me. It's not that I don't care it's just you have nothing worth sticking around for. I don't like having my time wasted and when people waste my time I tend to go off to the point where the rule book doesn't have a say on what's about to happen. Cause one, you should've known better than to bother me with some pointless ass shit, especially with my short temper you already know shit is bound to go down so why the fuck do you still bother?

I just think it's time for me to sit back and watch everything play out for how it really is. Because I no longer want to have a say in what goes on. I just simply no longer wish to exist in the public eye and just be on my own and live a life where nobody acknowledges me. I don't know if that's possible but if there's a will there's a way. So I'm willing to just call it what it is and simply be done with it. I don't know what's going to happen from here on out but I'll figure it out.