Blog Post 197

I Never Told You

So I get that I'll probably never get another chance to see you or be able to talk to you ever again, which is fine because I'm not the one to get attached to others so it's no big deal. But there's just been some shit on my mind that I need you to understand. Even if that means ruining my privacy for the sake of this post. I just really need you to understand that what went down and everything happening the way that it did, I never once cared to hate you for it. I just really wished it had never happened. That was all I really wished. I just wanted to try and fix things with you. I wasn't trying to make things worse for us! It just kind of all fell apart the moment I tried to fix it not knowing where to go.

I thought I could just do the normal by communicating with you and see where shit went wrong but we both knew shit was wrong when I tried to make things right with you, knowing damn well things could never be the same as before and I forgot about the past just to make things better. Only to fail in the end once again because the past is what made us what we are today (enemies), and if there's one thing I don't care to be around it's my enemies. So I guess you being an enemy of mine just made things harder and I really wish we didn't identify as enemies towards one another. But we did and we tried to make shit work only for it to fall apart shortly after.

It sucks how I still think about you and us being friends in the future. But that's just not how reality is for us. I did my best to fix things between us but the universe interfered and said yeah no! So I'm off to tell my side of the story even though there's not much to tell other than I made the mistake in letting my feelings get in the way and things went south real fucking quick. I should've just let you take the lead and had myself observe everything that was happening. I never wanted to hurt you. I just wanted to be friends with you and that was really all I wanted from you. I no longer saw the need for you to be an enemy when you never did anything wrong.

The only person who was ever in the wrong was me and I couldn't be sorrier to you than I have with anything else that I've done wrong in my life. I should've never had my phone on me that moment and just let shit be the way that it was. But my mind wasn't set up the way that it is now. I was young and stupid back then with an actual fuck to give. But now that I see what caring can do to someone when feelings get in the way of judgment I chose to stop feeling and just have shit be the way that it is from now on. That's why when you said things could never work/be between us I just accepted it and walked away. Not because I didn't care about you anymore, I just didn't want to keep something alive that was already potentially dead. That was my reasoning for walking away and not looking your way for communication as to if there was another way to keep in touch.

I knew our time had come and things were good. So I let things play out and die and just move on from the way I felt towards you. I felt a lot of emotions when it came to you even though half of those emotions were never displayed. I only showed the I'm fine and chill and never the way I really felt towards everything because I knew you wouldn't have cared. So I suppressed just about every feeling that had come my way when it came to you and just acted like everything was fine. I didn't care to talk to you about small things because that's not what you're known for so I didn't bother with that, and as much as I wanted to have a conversation with you I just didn't bother. I felt like me talking to you, you would've just blocked me from the jump. But that's just what was being processed in my head. Now I don't know if that was the case or not but I just didn't want to risk it. I just wanted to be there when you need me and that was all.

I didn't care to make drama or start some weird shit knowing it wouldn't go anywhere. I just wanted to simply be a friend that was only there for your needs and your needs only. I wasn't trying to have my needs be involved because honestly, my needs don't really require anyone's attention in general so it just wouldn't have made sense to talk about me, to begin with. So I'm glad I didn't. I just let you do you while I watched and followed. I didn't care to really talk to you. I was just trying to be nice and see if talking was really something we could do and it turns out it is, but only when it was convenient for you. I didn't mind though, because when you talked to me it gave me a sense of relief that I didn't mess up and you're still willing to bother with my existence for that moment. It was never because I was bored or just simply didn't have anyone to talk to. It was just my way of seeing where we stood in the communication area.

I could never get an actual read on you like I would other people which really frustrated me because it caused me to overthink and I just hated myself for not being able to read your body language and the shit you said was never really adding up but it made sense at the end of the day and it was just a lot to process for me. It felt like a game of charades every time I was around you and it just felt draining having to always guess what your intentions were and what you wanted. It was never straightforward or really direct. It was kind of just eh. I don't know how else to explain it because I've never had to deal with that type of shit with anyone else I've come in contact with until I met you.

You were just a really interesting and draining case for me. Which I don't mind, I like a challenge here and there but a continuous challenge I gotta go ahead and let that go because what the actual fuck?! Who in their right mind would have the time to process and overthink about everything someone does on a daily just to make things work? Shit not I but if there is someone out there that does that then fuck they're your soulmate cause it sure ain't me I'll tell you that much. 

But no seriously I'm not trying to bash this person or anything like that. It's just that this person really meant a lot to me at one point but it's just not meant to be and I just needed to find a way to forget about them and simply just not exist to them. I just really hope this person understands that I will no longer be around for them when they need me. This person has nothing left to offer me so I'd rather just not bother with them. I would simply just like to be someone they once knew and just move on with my life! That's really it!