Blog Post 202

Everything That Goes Through My Head When It Comes To You!

I know this might be really personal and I should just keep it to myself but I just want you to know that you’ll always be my favorite and even though we no longer talk which is killing me because every time I see you I just wanna ask how you are and just listen to you tell me about how things are. I have no reason to keep hiding how I feel when you can literally look at me and tell that I need you even though I keep telling myself I don’t need you or anyone else! I want to go back to talking with you and have things be picture-perfect for us both. I know we tend to fight and disagree with a lot of things but I’m sure down the line we can work things out! I just need more time with you to get it figured out! I don’t want to keep chasing after something irrelevant to my needs or plans. I wanna be able to talk to you about everything and anything that comes my way. I wanna do random shit and just laugh in your arms. I miss the old us and the things we did! I wish I could go back to that but every time we try something stupid happens and things just fall apart and as much as I wanna keep things neutral and simple it always ends up being the exact opposite. 

I love the thought of you but I hate the thought of knowing I could lose you at any given time and it hurts not knowing how I can't stop it from happening. It doesn’t matter how much time and effort I put into the friendship I still feel drained at the end of the day. I wish I could be all yours without me being so drained and tired at the end of the night. I wanna be able to love and hold you tight but the way we think and process everything is so different so certain things can’t work with us which sucks. I just wish I could talk to you face to face so you can hear me out on how I really feel towards you! I hate having to numb and isolate all my feelings and emotions when it comes to you because all I ever wanna give and show is my love towards you but it’s so hard because of our past and I’m never sure if I should try again and start from the beginning or just let go of it all even though you’re the only one who’s on my mind throughout the day and night!

I never want you to think I hate you because I don’t! I just care a lot about you even though I act like you don’t exist so I can protect myself from getting hurt and attached to another situation that I’m not mentally ready for! I want what’s best for you and what’s best for me and if that means giving you space and only making eye contact and not saying anything then so be it! I’m not trying to force anything or make something out of nothing when we both know what we want! It’s just the timing always feels off and even when we do link it feels like you don’t wanna be next to me so I get all shy and quiet just for you to ask if I’m okay knowing damn well you make me feel so many things all at once I don’t know how to respond so I just say yeah! I know how I feel and why I feel when it comes to you I just don’t know how to put it into words!

I guess I’m just so used to every situation we’re in being so temporary that I don’t feel the need to acknowledge anything because what’s the point if you’re just gonna move on and find someone else for the time being? Makes me feel so useless and like I made a mistake being with you and giving you the time and energy! I know how fucked that may sound but let’s be honest! We never last more than a few months at a time and sometimes we go months to years without talking and I guess it’s just us growing apart from one another only to cross paths and just let our eyes do all the talking! Makes me wanna get back to knowing the real you only to withdraw knowing it can never be more than what it already was! Which sucks but hey it is what it is! Just two kings going head to head only to get stuck at the end and I no longer wanna be stuck with you! So let’s just call it a truce and call it a draw! I don’t wanna have to keep being put in situations that bring out the worst in me or you!