Blog Post 204

I'm Done & Gone

How do I put this so you don't end up reaching out or asking about my whereabouts? I guess the simplest way to go about it is to just let you do the math and connect all the dots as one and go from there. I'm tired of trying to get your attention to explain my pain and why things have to be the way that they are. I don't wanna be the one you think about ever again and think things can be different between us two because nothing you say or do will ever have my attention to have me look your way. I told you that I was going to end up walking away and never to be heard from and making sure you no longer see me is the final step to the process of healing and moving on. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt but it's clear to me that you're the reason I'm holding back on everything.

I don't blame you for anything that's happened or you thinking that you had something to do with the decisions I made when honestly I made these plans last year way before I ever thought about making things right and accepting you for you. I told you the night you came over that I'll be moving on soon and I wasn't trying to have anything really long-term or serious when my schedule was already full with other shit but I did my best to make room for you even when certain plans were mandatory and I really wasn't supposed to bail or change them. But I did it for you so you would see how much I cared about you but it's clear to me that you didn't feel the same way and I'm okay with that. I just know I did something that was worth my time but for you, I guess you just thought it was something normal but in reality, it wasn't.

It's just I felt so far away from you even though you'd be right next to me making me feel as if things were drifting apart. I wish I could have caught on sooner but I was blinded by it all at the time and didn't care to dig deep as to why you were mistreating me and being so cold to me. But I understand it now and honestly, it's heartbreaking that you chose to do me that way when I could have never thought of doing something like that to someone. But hey I guess things don't always go the way you want so you just have to either adjust or move on and I chose to move on after taking in so much shit that I basically became numb to it, thinking if I numb it out it wouldn't be a bother but it just made it worse for me and my mental health. I was so out of touch with everything that I ended up dissociating from certain things that I couldn't stop myself from doing it.

So I'm now choosing to walk out of this situation and everything related to you is now dead to me. I hope things keep going well for you as always but don't bother keeping an eye out for me because I'll never be near you or around after tonight. I'm erasing all traces of us and everything we ever did and had gone through. I'm not sure what more I can do other than just completely stop existing for you and only you. I thought by making things be the way you wanted you would see that things could be great but it just only hurt me at the end of it all because I wasn't myself nor did I know who I was or what I was becoming. I felt as if I was just being used and for what reason is a mystery to me because you never seemed to really care about what was right in front of you.

It's just I no longer believe in a single thing you say. So what's the point of staying and trying to listen to you when things no longer add up to the shit you're actually doing? Feels like it's just a web of lies and nothing more. You tried to keep me close just to see me drown and honestly I don't blame you but come on, at least give me a reason as to why you had to go and pretend to love me when you hated me so much that you were willing to let me drown. I'm just glad that it's finally over and I can let you be all by yourself cause in the end you'll never come back to me and I'll never find my way back to you. So it's game over for the both of us and we just have to move on and let it be!

It just sucks that I didn't know sooner that you were never going to be the one for me but I continued to make things work between us two because I got attached and let the serotonin levels kick in every time I saw you! I guess no matter the history one has with someone you can still find a way to let one down and it's a shame because honestly, I would've never put myself in a position where I ended up letting you down. But you know what, it is what it is and I just have to accept it. Even though it hurt like hell seeing you smile while I was breaking down on the inside but I remained neutral as much as possible so I didn't end up looking like I was crying out for help. I just wanted things to end so badly that I wasn't sure how to go about it without hurting you so I just ended up walking away even though there should have been an explanation as to why I ended up walking away. But it's clear to you as to why and hopefully you get the answers that you were searching for regardless if they came from me or not!