Blog Post 206

It Shouldn't Matter How I Feel

You left me in the dark thinking I could make it out on my own, only for me to get stuck and suffer in the void of silence, and honestly it's whatever because the way you just left said it all. I realized that nothing I did after getting out of that dark ass hole would ever make me see you as the person I was once with. You said it yourself that you were unstable but I gave you the benefit of the doubt thinking it was just a saying because you didn't understand the things you felt like me. But turns out you were telling the truth and for that, I apologize for misreading the situation. I thought you and I could be great together now that we were older and have been through the wringer together but it's clear to me that we will never work and coming to the realization of us never working out was one of the hardest pills I had to swallow.

I tried everything I could to make it work and even kept myself at arm's reach just in case something happened to you. I tried so hard to not let go only to drown myself in the end. I wish things could have been different between you and me from the start but things don't always go as planned no matter the time or years you spend planning things out. It will always be the same outcome between you and me.

I hate to say this but my feelings were never in the way of my thoughts and how I was treating you. The only thing that got in the way was not knowing if what I was doing was right or wrong. I never got a clear answer as to if the things I was doing were too much or too little so I just kept it all in a neutral state of mind and I'm not saying it was because I didn't care it was just I didn't want to risk making a mistake and losing you for good. I wanted to love you like how I once loved you when I first met you but it turns out you can never love the same person as you once did because people change and feel differently towards you every day and it was my fault for not realizing that sooner. I thought by going slow and opening up week by week that things wouldn't end up as messy as before but towards the end it just all fell apart right before my eyes and I'll never be able to forgive myself.

I thought by hiding and avoiding all my feelings that things would just go back to normal but looking back it just made things worse. I wasn't sure about who I was or what it was I was doing other than making sure you were satisfied and not upset. Every part of energy and focus that I had went to you and the bond that was slowly forming. I wanted nothing but the best and good vibes all around but for someone like me who tends to overthink about certain situations you never asked why I was thinking about it or cared to ask about anything and I guess that's my fault for not opening up to you. I just didn't want to seem like I was annoyed or be a burden to you.

I just wanted to be normal and have a normal connection with you but turns out that will never happen, at least not in this lifetime. That's why I'm choosing to no longer acknowledge any of the feelings that I have towards you. My feelings will never be relevant enough to be shown or out for display for you to see what I'm feeling or how I'm feeling. I think that part of me is dead and so are the thoughts that I have about you. I wanted to reach out to you so you could come back to me but I just knew that it would have annoyed you so I kept losing feelings as time went on and honestly it hurts like hell knowing that I had to find ways to lose interest in you by hating you when I knew deep down inside I didn't have a reason to hate you.