Blog Post 207
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… I guess it’s whatever at this point! Just wish you & I could laugh and talk like we once did! But I can see that’s all done & over with! You have your new friends & I have myself so it’s all good & well! Nothing to worry about anymore. It’s just crazy how much I once loved you just to end up hating you at the end! I guess I never thought I could hate a person who could make me smile when I was at my lowest but fuck here I am numb as fuck wishing I could hold you one last time. But it’ll never happen because I'm tired of all the shit you put me through even though it’s not on purpose/intentional, it’s just your way of doing things! I just hate how you were okay with hurting me when all I ever did was show you the best version of myself that nobody ever gets to see just for you to hate me! Everything I did & said was genuine and respectful only for you to turn back around and shut me out! I didn’t see the point in staying or asking questions when it came to you. I just accepted everything that you were and it turned out I hated every bit of it! There was no good to you! The only good to you is knowing how to hurt others without them feeling bad for you! You made it look so easy thinking I could do the same but that person isn’t me / nor will I ever want to intentionally hurt someone! So props to you for being the way that you are cause honestly if I was in your shoes I’d kill myself on the spot without a second thought! But that’s just me!
I’ve only ever wanted to love someone but you came around and showed me reasons as to why I shouldn’t! So now when someone new comes around I push them away because I feel like it’s a setup or just another one of you and I’m tired of people bringing me trauma and pain/feelings I can’t control/understand! It’s such a waste of time thinking they could be the one when all they’ve brought to the table is just lies and deception! I wish I could let my guard down for just a second but then again my point would have been made and I’m stuck looking stupid for telling myself told you so! It’s all just a game and the game is boring to me! So why do you bother trying to play the part of a good guy when we all know damn well that’s not who you are? I get that you might be trying to prove something to someone but for me, it’s just all a waste of time and energy because who the fuck thinks like that?! It’s just sad thinking that you have to go out of your way just to hurt someone else because you couldn’t get to them / be around them when you wanted! Just makes you look desperate and cowardly! I wish you would have just told me how you felt instead of playing out to be the good guy and making me out to be the bad guy!
Yeah, I’m straightforward and don’t sugarcoat shit so maybe that intimidated you or got your blood boiling or something but that’s just how I am! I don’t care to waste my time or sit somewhere and pretend like I give a fuck about this and that when I don’t! I would love to just only give a fuck about you and only you but you make it so damn hard! You ask who’s this and that like you aren’t putting me through enough trauma as we speak?! I have people I go to when I’m dealing with you because I can’t handle situations on my own which is the saddest part about being with you! It’s like I’m forced to feel useless when I’m around you when I’m perfectly fine being on my own and independent! I just don’t understand how that would trigger you! I guess there’s just times when I wanna walk away from it all but at the same time I can’t because I hate hurting those I love and I really do love you even though you hate me for doing so! I don’t know why but it’s fine because I’ll never stop and if I did I’d probably lose myself in the process because in my eyes and my heart you’re the only one who really puts up with me in ways nobody else has and I’m grateful for that! It’s just I wish we could be more than what we are and I know it’s hard because of the past between us two! So I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or say anymore because it’s like I want to be with you but I can’t and I don’t understand why it has to be like that!
But hey if I have to be someone you hate every time you look at me then I’d rather just never exist around you or near you! I can’t be around someone I used to know who hated me without telling me why! It just doesn’t make sense! Why would you not tell me that you hate me or try to communicate with the things I did or do that upset you?! Be a grown-up and just fucking communicate with how you feel and what is I did to upset you! I will literally change and make sure it doesn’t ever happen again but if you just constantly shut me out day by day then how am I supposed to learn and grow with you? Make it make sense!! Because otherwise I’m just stuck overthinking about all my doings and drowning in thoughts that have no correlation to what’s actually happening and it sucks because I’ll end up hating myself before you or anyone else. So please be honest and tell me when shit goes south instead of just acting like everything is fine when I can literally sense the smallest change in your mood! There’s no hiding it from me because I’ve called you out on it before and you seemed just fine with telling me about what was wrong! So please just tell me and don’t hide it!