Blog Post 208

I Just Wanted to Leave

I never imagined the chaos and draining thoughts that would come while being with someone. I thought by being with someone you loved and cared about things would be easier and pretty mellow but for some reason, I got the exact opposite of that and I'm just trying to figure out what I did to cause that. Where did I go wrong to have the person I lfell in love with and cared about so much to just leave me for dead thinking it was the best decision? I never expected someone who I thought would be my peace and safety would just one day turn on me over something I didn't even know I did nor knew about or what exactly caused it. I just wish I could go back to the day and ask what it was I did instead of just letting the pain take over and going completely numb afterwards. I thought by just letting them take their anger out on me it would help them only to find out that the anger they took out on me would leave me in concern and traumatized for not knowing how to help them in the long run. I thought by keeping quiet and ignoring the situations that things would be better off but it just made it worse. We became distant from each other and barely even looked one's way. I wish things could be better and different for us but it's clear to me that it's just going to be the same outcome every time.

I don't mind the pain or hard feelings. I just hate how things were spiraling out of my control to the point where I just let shit happen and didn't second guess it. I guess by me doing that they felt unwanted or something in that area because I didn't acknowledge the shit they were doing to me as if it wasn't already taking its toll on me. I wanted to say something sooner but what's the use? They're not going to stop or change their habits they're just gonna end up manipulating their way into making me out to be the bad guy so fuck it let them do the shit they do. But once I walk away and tell my side of the story then it's over for them but in the meantime, I'm just gonna sit back and let shit be. I'm no longer concerned about my well-being because honestly, they took that part away from me the moment they stepped foot into my life. I just laugh at all my pain at this point because it's just a joke and jokes are funny because who wouldn't want to laugh their pain away while deep down inside you're slowly being killed by someone who you can't escape from. They stay coming back just to hurt you when you've told them multiple times they're disturbing you and that you don't know them or like the way they look. What more can I do? I could get physical but what good would that do? Won't that make me out to be the bad guy for hurting someone else? I'm sick and tired of people hurting me and me hurting others. Isn't there a way for me to just walk away and not be found or something in that area? 

I'm done fighting my demons and keeping people that I actually care about at an arm's distance. I want those I care about to be right by my side and not have to worry about them every time something feels off or just them not being themselves. I want the best for those I truly care about more than myself because I know I'll never be able to help myself. That's why I'm so big on giving those I care about my all even though it drains me time after time and I'll never be the one to let them know. I just want to be the best version of myself for them because that version will never exist for just myself, not in this lifetime. I might seem uncaring and unbothered most of the time but honestly, I care a lot it's just every time I end up caring people always have a habit of showing me why I shouldn't so I just shut down and become nonchalant and end up ghosting and not responding or acknowledging them or the shit that's going on around me. It's just my way of saying I'm hurt and I'm In the process of healing right now so please just ignore me even though I want you around and just talk me through the shit that just happened and why it happened. I need closure but also reassurance for the time being because the way I overthink shit just makes the smallest situations into something that's out of proportion when it's really not.