Blog Post 209
I Already Know Things Will Never Work Between Us Two!
I ended up going back to you just to see if things could be different but turns out it couldn’t. I was hurt thinking things couldn’t be cool between us two. I tried my best to do everything I could to get it right with you just for you to play me out to be the bad guy every chance you got! I let shit be no matter the issue or topic. I just let things take it's toll and didn’t realize I was letting myself go in the process! I just wanted you to be happy so I didn’t react or let my feelings get in the way! I thought by me just letting you take control that things would be easier but turns out they were easier for you but harder on me only because I knew what was being done to me wasn’t normal nor right in any shape or form! But I just let it be because I was afraid of losing you and I didn’t want to lose you for a second time! I ended up letting you back in just to realize how much of a mistake I made! I wanted to be around you so badly that I let things slide that I normally wouldn’t, so things didn’t get complicated or hard!
I can see that you being with me was not exactly a picture-perfect scenario and I wish it was because I was able to connect with you on a deeper level and it just didn’t make sense as to why we had problems every now and then! The problems weren’t even the real issues because we solved each one by just talking about it but for some reason you being you I couldn’t help but always have my guard up and I think that’s what made it difficult to be open and really commit to certain things with you! I wasn’t hiding my true self or anything I just wasn’t trying to make a move that would put me in the deep end without a way out! I wanted you next to me but I wasn’t sure for how long I could have you be around! I wish you were still around but it’s clear to me that things are just not meant to be with you! I admit I love and care about you so much but I need to just let go of the thought of us ever being together! Maybe we can just stay friends and nothing more! I don’t need to be led on and I don’t wanna get your hopes up of us ever being in the same room together! Things just need to be how they are until further notice!
I’ll forever be great full for you coming into my life but for now, I just need some time to figure out what it is I’m really looking for! I’m trying to figure out if I need to be with someone else or just myself. I want to make everyone happy and not have any complications but it’s so hard when the people you care about don’t see where you’re coming from! It’s like I want you and only you but then you make me want to hate you and withdraw from the whole entire thought of me being with you! It’s sick how the feelings we have for each other are never the same! You could hate me one day and I’ll be in love with you while you’re hating me! I could hate you and you could be showing me all the signs of why I should stay and keep holding on! But it’s never just mutual it’s always one or the other and it’s just tiring! I hate having to hurt those I care about but god damn sometimes it’s so hard to contain my true feelings when I’m constantly being let down or just put in positions that aren’t good for my mental health!
I miss the way we used to be. It was never easy but it was good! It just sucks how much I still want you around knowing you’re no good to me! Maybe I’m just a bit obsessed with you and the way you make me feel! I enjoy looking at you like nobody else is around! I keep things to myself because you’re the only one I’ll ever feel this way about and it’s just sad I’ve never officially told you! I guess when I get back I should tell you but I'm scared that if I do then things will just end up getting worse and I really don’t want that! I miss how we could talk for hours and not break eye contact! The way you made me feel was so good that I just wanted more and more of you! I never realized how much I would care about someone until I met you! It’s like you’re my own supply of drugs that constantly give me a rush! I hope it never ends and if it does end then I hope one day we can pick up from where we left off! Cause I’d hate to be the one to walk away from all the good stuff between you and me!
It’s just hard knowing that one day I’ll have to let you go for the better but what if I don’t want what’s best for me? What if I’m happy with how things are? What if you’re the only one I need and the only one I care to be around? What if things are just fine? What then? Could I still be around you or will you leave and forget I ever existed? I just wish I knew if what I was thinking was right! I don’t know what the future holds for us but if it’s me being next to you then I’m not worried about it! But if it’s not then I think something’s wrong! Cause how the fuck can two people who care for one another keep having to go through battles just to see one another?! I wish things didn’t end up so toxic and draining! Just wish I could have you be next to me all hours of the day but I don’t wanna seem needy or in the way of you so I’ll just let time do its thing and if we happen to meet in the middle then let’s just see what happens and hope it doesn’t feel so awkward!