Blog Post 212
I Never Hated You
It’s pretty easy to tell if I hate you or not but the way I saw you I never saw you as a threat or competition! I just saw you as someone I cared about and I’m not sure what made you think I’d ever want to hate you! Yeah I get we have our differences and our past but god damn me hating you is the exact opposite of what I’m trying to do! I care about you more than you’ll ever know! I don’t mention your name unless it’s for a good reason or just simply cause you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I want people to see the good in you! I’m not bashing or putting dirt on your name when I’ve never had intentions of doing that! It’s just sometimes I get confused about what to do so I get distant and let things be! I’m not looking to make an enemy out of you or have you see me as one! It’s just I care so much about you that I’ll do anything to make you happy and if that means moving several states away so you can have your peace and life to your liking then so be it but don’t ever think I hate you!! I’m far from hating you! I might get frustrated and need to calm down here and there but hate you? Come on now!
Why would I hate the person who brings me peace? It makes no sense! I wish you’d stop letting the past take over and just notice me for who I am today and not something I was! I get that I made a bad image for myself but I’m trying my best to fix that! I just wish you and I were back on talking terms but we never will be for some odd reason and I don’t wanna know why! I’m fine being distant and not acknowledging you! It’s just I need you to stop thinking that I’ll go out of my way to hate you! If I go out of my way to do anything it’s going to be finding a way to be there for you whenever you need help or just someone to talk to! I’m not looking for any sort of bullshit or drama when it comes to you! I just want good vibes and simple conversations! I’m not looking for anything more! It’s weird how you would trash me like I didn’t give you the best version of myself knowing you’re the only one I’ve ever admitted certain things to! It’s not fair to throw me under the bus like you didn’t have any sort of feelings towards me and maybe you really didn’t! But how was I supposed to know when you never said anything! I just kept letting you in time after time because I felt bad about what happened between us two when we first met! I didn’t realize how much of that would take a toll on me until I reached out to you! I thought that by reaching out so I could make things right you could have a different outlook on me and what I’m really like but turns out you’ll forever see me as the bad guy and I just have to be okay with that!
I’m done trying to play nice and keeping shit at rest when I know deep down inside it’s gotta be talked about otherwise I’m just lying to myself and I’m tired of lying to myself about everything that’s happened between us two! I wish things never happened the way that they did! I wish I never met you and you were just a person who I have no memory of! I’m sick and tired of hearing your name being brought up in conversation as if I associate with you like a friend! You were never a friend of mine! You were just a pawn that got to play your part and you ended up getting checkmate! That’s really it! I didn’t care to call it a loss but I gave you the win because you needed it more than I did! I wasn’t upset about the thought of losing to you I was upset that you went out of your way to make me be the bad guy when I was neutral the whole time! I don’t care to go further into it because we already know how the rest plays out!
I just really want to wish you the best of luck and if that involves you blocking me, deleting me, whatever it is you wanna do I don’t care! I know how I felt about you and I know the feelings I had for you were real and I’m not gonna sit here and lie to myself as if they weren’t! You know how I felt about you and you chose to show me reasons as to why I should lose all interest in you! You made me sabotage my own feelings for you because you thought it would be easier for me to hate you than love you. When in reality it was the other way around! I wanted to hate you believe me but my heart kept denying it no matter how hard I tried! I thought of every bad thing that came with you but it just didn’t stay long enough to hate you! My heart was already set on loving you that anything other than that, it would just shut down that’s why I went numb so many times when it came to you! As much as I felt the need to hate you and be mad for the shit you did my heart didn’t let me! I knew if I ended up hating you that there wouldn’t be a stopping point. It would have grown into something bigger than I couldn’t control that’s why I numbed all the pain and feelings I had for you!
I hope one day I’ll look back at you and smile knowing I really did care about you! You’ll forever have a place in my heart there’s no denying it! I just wish I could be there by your side and let you in on all my secrets! But I’m no longer willing to make something happen out of nothing when it comes to you! I know I’ll never have my way with you but I just hope I get to see you smile knowing you’re happier without me! That’s all I ever wanted for you! I just wanna see you happy no matter the pain or struggles we might have faced! I put it all in the past only because you being happy was all that I ever cared for! I don’t wanna be the reason for your smile or anything like that I just want to make sure that you’re making the right decisions even though I’m no longer around you! I hope I never have to hear about something bad happening to you because I’ll be the one to stop everything and find out where you are and make my way to you! I don’t care if you kick me out or tell me to stay away I’m making my way to you and being there by your side. I just don’t wanna lose another person that I care about in this life.